seventeen

Alice.
After a few more bumps with Blanche, I felt like my New Self again. I saw Kate dancing awkwardly with some dykey looking girls, and I smiled. Odd as it sounded, she seemed in her element, grinning easily and I felt happy for her. I felt happy in general, for that matter. Like my limbs would burst with elation. I walked over to Marcus and leaned in close to him.
“Wanna dance?”
“Yeah, sure.” I pulled him by the elbow to the edge of the dance floor and started to dance. He followed suit, awkwardly shifting from side to side, looking uncomfortable. I pulled him to me, and our hips linked front to front as we moved back and forth. He seemed more at ease now, and his arms wove around me. His touch was electrifying, but I couldn’t tell if it was drug induced or just pure sexual tension. I decided it was the latter. I pulled my head back and looked him in the eyes. His searched mine, looking for what answer I didn’t know. I decided to go for it, and leaned in, pushing my mouth against his. His lips parted in response, and his tongue slipped into my mouth. We kept moving, slower than the beat of the song, as we furiously made out right there on the dance floor. I raked my hands through his hair, pulling his mouth in closer to mine. He broke away, and swallowed. When he spoke his voice was deeper than usual, husky.
“Want to get out of here?” he looked into my eyes again.
“Yeah.” I said quietly.
“What?” I leaned into his ear.
“Yeah!”
“Okay.” he looked nervous, which I found endearing. “Let me just say bye to Kate.”
That irked me, I wanted him to want me so bad he couldn’t stand it another minute. But that meant I could find Blanche and get a little more, just a little bump for the road. I didn’t know why they called them bumps. Bumps sounded like you went down after, when in fact you went sky high, sailing through the outer limits where no possibility was out of reach. I pulled Blanche aside and we went to the bathroom yet again.
I decided to say good bye to Kate too, and I walked out on the floor, edging through groups of wild dancers. Marcus was already there, talking into Kate’s ear as she smiled. I tugged his sleeve, and he turned to me. We locked eyes again, and I could feel the sexual tension well up. He and I waved good bye, stammering excuses about class tomorrow awkwardly. we made small talk across campus, a ritual I was getting used to: The small talk before the make out. I wanted to reach down and grab his hands, but since I was in heels, I was terrified I would be able to reach. I was a good 4 inches taller than him now, something I wasn’t used to. I couldn’t wait to get back to the dorm so I could take my shoes off and be closer to his height. We went up the stairs, and he turned to me, eyes squinting in the fluorescent lights. I wondered if I looked ok under the harsh lighting.
“Let me check if my room is ok.”
“Okay.” I laughed. It was so cute, how concerned he was. I hoped he wanted to impress me. He stuck his head out of the door.
“All clear.” His Mohawk was all disheveled from my hands running through it, and he looked absolutely adorable. His room was a single, and full of punk posters and band stickers on every surface. I sat on his bed, feeling uncomfortable and debated taking my shoes off. I figured I should just stay seated, and I tucked one leg under me. He sat down next to me, after turning off the lights. He leaned in, and I felt him kiss my neck softly. I sighed and moved my mouth to his. His lips were soft and full, and it was a much better kiss than the previous night’s. We leaned back onto his bed, his hands moving over my dress. I went for his belt buckle, fumbling slightly. He stopped my hand and looked at me.
“Can we just kiss?”
“yeah, okay.” I was a little taken aback. What boy didn’t want more?
After a few minutes he pulled away and sat up.
“I can’t do this.”
“What?”
“Alice, you’re great, I just like someone else. You’re beautiful and everything, and I’m attracted to you, but I can’t use you like that.”
I felt tears well up. I had never been rejected. I started to shake and I straightened my dress, and got up to leave.
“Alice, don’t be mad.”
“I’m not. Whatever.” I spat out bitterly. I felt shame creep into my face in the form of a dark blush. I slammed the door on my way out.