“Holy Shit, Holy Shit.” Yuki was in a fluster, waving her hands in front of her face like my mother did when she was upset.
“We’re going to be fine. Fine! Just fine.” Leo was reassuring her, probably more for her own benefit than Yuki’s. The club was strewn with our magazines, so people could hopefully read them. Worst case, thousands of my parent’s dollars would be trod on when people threw them on the floor. I tried not to think things like that. Yuki had on a long, blonde wig that made her look like an Asian Dolly Parton. Leo was wearing a great paisley vintage dress, and I went with the flapper dress to give me confidence.
“Why is no one here?” Justin seemed worried too.
“Because the invite says ten, and its nine fifty.”
“Right. Right.”
“Everyone calm down!” I was exasperated. I had a good feeling about this; I wanted them to, as well.
The party picked up at ten thirty, with a surprising number of See You staff. Viv couldn’t come, which I was sad about, but her success in rehab was more important than my success tonight.
“Great Job!” Steven pointed to a feature about himself, in the “Dudes We Like” section.
“This part is awesome.” A girl I didn’t know displayed the “Vintage, Modern” fashion spread. Yuki had mixed new pieces with vintage pieces to mimic runway styles, thanks to a great vintage chain we found to sponsor us. The results were surprisingly close, and this girl seemed really pleased.
“Just do it, Jane, you have to.”
“Ugh I hate public speaking guys.”
“But it’s YOUR magazine.”
“Fine.”I walked onstage to give the official launch speech, dreading it with every step.
“Uhm, I’m Jane Tyler, thank you for being here.” The crowd cheered. “I really hate public speaking.” They laughed and I felt encouraged. “This magazine is our baby, so don’t throw it on the floor. And now, welcome The Wake, featuring my lovely boyfriend, Andrew, to the stage. The other guys are single ladies! But then, they’re single for a reason, so don’t get too excited. Thank you again for supporting Lucky Bitch! ” I hurried off stage, into Andrew’s arms.
“Wish me luck, babygirl.”
The boys ran on stage, in their typical fashion.
“This one is for my girlfriend, who I am so proud of I can’t even tell you all enough times. She’s amazing and I love her.” The crowd awww’d appreciatively.
“One two three…Standin’ on the corner…” he started Sweet Jane, our song. I flashed back to the night we met, how far I’d come, how much I’d lost, and what I had gained. I teared up and Yuki grabbed me.
“We did it. Holy shit.”
I started crying hysterically, so happy and proud of myself. I had done something. And not just anything, something big, something to be proud of. I didn’t care if it folded, or if I failed miserably. Tonight I was successful.
Holy Shit.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Chapter Twenty Three
“Ugh, why did we decide to do this again?” I was emailing another press release out, and I leaned my head down on the keyboard, making the subject line a burst of letters.
“Because girls need Lucky Bitch!” Leo chirped.
“We need luck.” I said
“No, we need more work.”
We were in our impromptu office: Leo’s living room. Yuki was cutting and pasting a rough layout for a meeting later, and our new interns, Sophie and Justin, were handling our small orders. We were being carried by a few small independent venders, in places like San Francisco or Portland, but we had a lot of subscription queries after some press on feminist websites and culture blogs. Our circulation would be about 5,000 copies for the first issue, October. Leo was cheerfully typing a blog on our newly launched web site about her commitment ceremony last weekend. We had devised a nearly interactive magazine/website link system, where you got a code when you bought the issue that would get you everything online. Non-subscribers could get on too, but only paying customers saw the whole issue online, with blogs, extra features and music downloads. Andrew and the boys had recorded a new demo song exclusively for our customers. They were also playing our launch party three weeks later in mid-September. I felt a little like I was relying on him too much to get publicity, but he insisted. I also relied on the rest of the guys for editing, since they all DID have Harvard degrees. Taylor was useful for helping us with layout, and font choices, since her day job was graphic design. Being around such creative, motivated people pushed me to work harder.
“Done!” Justin looked up expectantly. He was our little puppy, a sensitive high schooler who was so excited to hang out with us, he needed constant praise.
“Good job, J.” Yuki nodded at him, raising her eyebrows at me. She treated him like her baby brother.
“Ok, ok. I’m done with the press releases. Hopefully someone will take note. I emailed blogs, zines, and some other publications. What now?” I sighed. I was exhausted.
“I was saving this til later, but….” Leo looked mischievous.
“I hope its whiskey.” I said.
“Better!”
“Impossible.”
“Ahem.” She was being silly. “See You’s email list! Ta Da!”
“Holy shit!”
“Leo!”
“Oh my god.”
“Isn’t this illegal?”
She laughed.
“I don’t know, maybe. It’s just the Tri-State area, anyways. But they deserve it for firing me. So get on this, Justin, type out those email addresses.”
“I love you Leo.” I jumped on her.
“Hey, cut it out, I’m a married woman!”
“Only in the state of Vermont.” Yuki countered.
“Our marriage is in our heart!” Taylor yelled from the kitchen.
“Awwww.” We all giggled.
“Tay, you should write for gay Hallmark.” I added.
“Ahem.” Leo adjusted her glasses. “Back to business, no more discussion of MY WIFE,” She giggled, “and our never ending love. Justin, make sure you use the subscription link in that email to our illegal email list, and also invite them all to the launch party.”
“Speaking of which, I need to call that place tomorrow to make sure we have the booking.” Sophie said, looking at her to-do list.
“Ugh I love you.” Leo smiled appreciatively. Sophie was so organized; it helped us more every day.
“And I need to get going to my date from hell.” I was meeting Steven at a nearby dive, to apologize and set things straight.
“Have fun.”
“Shut up, Yuki!” She giggled, ducking as I threw my pencil at her.
I called Andrew on my walk over.
“You’re sure you don’t care?”
“I trust you.”
“Thanks, but you’re supposed to tell me no so I can cancel with him. Jeez, you horrible boyfriend.”
“I love hearing you say that.”
“What?”
“Boyfriend. I don’t particularly like horrible boyfriend, but I’ll take it.”
“I’m coming home after, Boyfriend.” I smiled. I loved this new ease in our relationship. I no longer felt nervous I would lose him. I lost him once, and I survived, and now we were stronger than before.
“Good. Now be nice, baby.”
“I’m not nice!”
“Yes you are, you just pretend to be mean.”
“That’s what you think.”
“That’s what I know. Bye.”
“Love you.”
“Love you too.”
I walked into the dark bar, and saw Steven sitting in a corner booth. I ordered a whiskey sour, and joined him.
“Hi.”
“Hey, Jane.”
“Steven…”
“It’s fine. Not what I planned, but fine.”
“I never meant for it to end like this. I was going to tell you, but Marie set it up so you would be hurt like this.” I explained what had happened.
“Wow, that’s kind of harsh. How’s Viv?”
“She’s out on Long Island, recuperating and going to meetings and stuff.”
“Good. Well, I really liked you Jane. I wish things had worked.”
“I’m sorry. But we’re not right for each other.”
“I know.”
“I was unfair, I was in love with him the whole time, I was just denying it.”
“That’s kind of a bitch move.”
“Trust me, I know. I’ve been realizing exactly what a bitch I am.”
“Don’t be hard on yourself, just give me the number of a single friend.”
“You’re relentless, you dog.”
“You owe me.”
“Fine, come to the launch party, this girl Lexi will be there.”
“Sweet.” I handed him the invite. “See You This Tuesday Launch Party for Lucky Bitch? That’s hilarious.”
“We thought so. I have to get going, but friends?”
“Depends on how cute this Lexi is.”
“Bye, Steven.” I shook my head. I left feeling lighter, the added stress of our situation taken care of. Now all I needed was to focus on the magazine.
“Because girls need Lucky Bitch!” Leo chirped.
“We need luck.” I said
“No, we need more work.”
We were in our impromptu office: Leo’s living room. Yuki was cutting and pasting a rough layout for a meeting later, and our new interns, Sophie and Justin, were handling our small orders. We were being carried by a few small independent venders, in places like San Francisco or Portland, but we had a lot of subscription queries after some press on feminist websites and culture blogs. Our circulation would be about 5,000 copies for the first issue, October. Leo was cheerfully typing a blog on our newly launched web site about her commitment ceremony last weekend. We had devised a nearly interactive magazine/website link system, where you got a code when you bought the issue that would get you everything online. Non-subscribers could get on too, but only paying customers saw the whole issue online, with blogs, extra features and music downloads. Andrew and the boys had recorded a new demo song exclusively for our customers. They were also playing our launch party three weeks later in mid-September. I felt a little like I was relying on him too much to get publicity, but he insisted. I also relied on the rest of the guys for editing, since they all DID have Harvard degrees. Taylor was useful for helping us with layout, and font choices, since her day job was graphic design. Being around such creative, motivated people pushed me to work harder.
“Done!” Justin looked up expectantly. He was our little puppy, a sensitive high schooler who was so excited to hang out with us, he needed constant praise.
“Good job, J.” Yuki nodded at him, raising her eyebrows at me. She treated him like her baby brother.
“Ok, ok. I’m done with the press releases. Hopefully someone will take note. I emailed blogs, zines, and some other publications. What now?” I sighed. I was exhausted.
“I was saving this til later, but….” Leo looked mischievous.
“I hope its whiskey.” I said.
“Better!”
“Impossible.”
“Ahem.” She was being silly. “See You’s email list! Ta Da!”
“Holy shit!”
“Leo!”
“Oh my god.”
“Isn’t this illegal?”
She laughed.
“I don’t know, maybe. It’s just the Tri-State area, anyways. But they deserve it for firing me. So get on this, Justin, type out those email addresses.”
“I love you Leo.” I jumped on her.
“Hey, cut it out, I’m a married woman!”
“Only in the state of Vermont.” Yuki countered.
“Our marriage is in our heart!” Taylor yelled from the kitchen.
“Awwww.” We all giggled.
“Tay, you should write for gay Hallmark.” I added.
“Ahem.” Leo adjusted her glasses. “Back to business, no more discussion of MY WIFE,” She giggled, “and our never ending love. Justin, make sure you use the subscription link in that email to our illegal email list, and also invite them all to the launch party.”
“Speaking of which, I need to call that place tomorrow to make sure we have the booking.” Sophie said, looking at her to-do list.
“Ugh I love you.” Leo smiled appreciatively. Sophie was so organized; it helped us more every day.
“And I need to get going to my date from hell.” I was meeting Steven at a nearby dive, to apologize and set things straight.
“Have fun.”
“Shut up, Yuki!” She giggled, ducking as I threw my pencil at her.
I called Andrew on my walk over.
“You’re sure you don’t care?”
“I trust you.”
“Thanks, but you’re supposed to tell me no so I can cancel with him. Jeez, you horrible boyfriend.”
“I love hearing you say that.”
“What?”
“Boyfriend. I don’t particularly like horrible boyfriend, but I’ll take it.”
“I’m coming home after, Boyfriend.” I smiled. I loved this new ease in our relationship. I no longer felt nervous I would lose him. I lost him once, and I survived, and now we were stronger than before.
“Good. Now be nice, baby.”
“I’m not nice!”
“Yes you are, you just pretend to be mean.”
“That’s what you think.”
“That’s what I know. Bye.”
“Love you.”
“Love you too.”
I walked into the dark bar, and saw Steven sitting in a corner booth. I ordered a whiskey sour, and joined him.
“Hi.”
“Hey, Jane.”
“Steven…”
“It’s fine. Not what I planned, but fine.”
“I never meant for it to end like this. I was going to tell you, but Marie set it up so you would be hurt like this.” I explained what had happened.
“Wow, that’s kind of harsh. How’s Viv?”
“She’s out on Long Island, recuperating and going to meetings and stuff.”
“Good. Well, I really liked you Jane. I wish things had worked.”
“I’m sorry. But we’re not right for each other.”
“I know.”
“I was unfair, I was in love with him the whole time, I was just denying it.”
“That’s kind of a bitch move.”
“Trust me, I know. I’ve been realizing exactly what a bitch I am.”
“Don’t be hard on yourself, just give me the number of a single friend.”
“You’re relentless, you dog.”
“You owe me.”
“Fine, come to the launch party, this girl Lexi will be there.”
“Sweet.” I handed him the invite. “See You This Tuesday Launch Party for Lucky Bitch? That’s hilarious.”
“We thought so. I have to get going, but friends?”
“Depends on how cute this Lexi is.”
“Bye, Steven.” I shook my head. I left feeling lighter, the added stress of our situation taken care of. Now all I needed was to focus on the magazine.
Chapter Twenty Two
“Baby.” Andrew hugged me; I leaned into him, wrapping my arms around his neck, inhaling his familiar scent. “The hair is good!”
“Yeah well, I’m never going back to that place. I might get called a skank again in public.”
“Haha oh babe, I think it’s funny. What happened with Steven?”
“Ugh, he’s a non-issue. I never even liked him.” I shrugged.
“But he’s a person, Jane.”
“Not my person.”
Andrew looked at me with his forehead wrinkled.
“You’re not mean, Jane. You know you need to apologize.”
“I know, I know.” I sighed.
“Hey, Viv called me. She wants to go to our gig tonight.”
“Oh good! I hate sitting by myself backstage. But I do like watching you get all hot and sweaty.”
“Want a preview?” He pulled me towards the bedroom.
“I missed this.”
“Oh, yeah, me too.”
I channeled Blondie that night, in latex black leggings, spike heels and a satin blue mini dress. My new heavy bangs made me feel like her, so I figured go with it. Viv was wearing her obscene black mini skirt and thigh high, Pretty Woman black boots. I was glad to have her there, that she was still my friend after what happened. But our relationship wasn’t perfect; she felt distant to me, because of the gap in our interests. Mainly, I was moving on, and she was stuck in neutral. She was still chattering about art boys and her photography, and I could tell she was on coke. I had no interest in those things anymore, so i called Leo and Yuki for backup. We were going to write an article about the show, we had decided via email earlier that day. I wanted Viv to take the pictures, but I had no trust in her ability to stay sober enough to point and click, so I told Yuki to bring a camera. Backstage, Andrew and Viv took swig for swig of their requisite Jack Daniels. I was hugging the rest of the boys, Jason lifting me up off my feet.
“Thank you so much,” Dave joked, “All his new music was so morbid. Plus I love the Sweet Jane cover, our collective muse is back! And our train wreck groupie.” He pointed at Viv as she ran into a table. I covered my face with my hands, laughing.
“I missed you,” Colin hugged me, “You two need to be together. No homo on that statement, guys!”
“You big sap, Col.” I smiled.
“Ok, Ok, let’s go!” Andrew and the boys ran on stage.
I saw Yuki and Leo come backstage, and I rushed over.
“I am so happy for you!” Yuki practically jumped on me, her pink wig going askew.
“Yay!” Leo clapped. I laughed at them, but I wondered how these new friends I had known two months were more supportive than a girl I had known for years.
“And I have news.” Leo smiled shyly. She held up her hand, with a new gold band on it.
“Commitment ceremony alert!” I yelled.
“ Two weeks from today.” I hugged her. “Now we have to have a gay wedding section!”
“Yeah, where to find female tuxes.” Yuki joked.
“Leo Wakefield: The Face of New Gay Marriage” I added.
“And Jane Tyler, resident skanky bitch.” Leo countered.
“Oh my god!” I laughed.
“We still love you!”
“Well, it’s a little bit of press for us.” Yuki cut in.
“Gee thanks.” I groaned
“Baby Jane, all grown up and slutty on the interweb.”
“Just take the pictures, Yuki!” I laughed.
Watching Andrew on stage still gave me a thrill. He swaggered around, commanding the stage. The band played well, and the crowd responded in turn. I drank it all in, along with a few shots of Jack. Viv had more than a few, and by the end was staggering and slurring, so I pulled myself away to watch her.
“How’d I do, baby?” Andrew hugged me, soaking me in his sweat.
“Gr…” he cut off my compliment with a kiss.
“Stop hogging her, we missed her too!” Colin slung an arm around my neck, “come back to Dave and my place, we’re bringing the openers and stuff.”
“Maybe I should take Viv home?”
“Nah, she’s fine.”
“Yuki? Leo?” I asked them. “Can Tay come?”
“Duh.”
“Ok then, let me text her.”
“This will be a great article, Jane, thanks for inviting us!” Yuki grabbed my hand.
We walked into their apartment in Alphabet City, and I felt like I was part of the group I always wanted to be. Fun, friendly, excited, with futures and promise. No undertones of competition and bitterness, just ease and camaraderie. Andrew’s hand in mine helped, definitely.
“So how is James?” Jason asked me.
“Oh he’s great. Dating some vegetarian, backpacking through Europe.” I answered.
“Dope. I want a Europe tour. Where’s Marie?”
“Uh, we’re having…issues. I’ll fill you in.”
“No offense, but she’s a crazy bitch. Andrew told me what happened with you two.”
“Wait til you hear this.”
After I told them all it, there was so much groaning and berating of her character by everyone that I felt reassured in my reaction. She really was a crazy bitch.
I was in a corner with Taylor, talking about ceremony plans when I heard a crash and a scream. Viv had fallen over, cracking her head on an end table. Blood was spilling everywhere. I let out an unearthly shriek and ran over.
“Call 911!” I screamed. Why was no one moving? I cradled her head in my hands, her blood running over me, warm and sticky. I was letting out loud sobs that echoed in the small space. The ambulance took what seemed like forever to arrive. I don’t remember this, but I’m told I was pried away from Viv when the EMTs came, restrained by Colin and Andrew. I didn’t want to let her go.
We all went to the hospital, and as soon as I walked in the doors, I felt sober. The yellowness of the lighting bouncing off the taupe walls hurt my eyes. Leo led me to a seat, holding my hand the whole time. she murmured reassurances, and stroked my hair as I continued to sob. I could have prevented this, I knew it. The guilt and fear was eating me, and I felt the old blackness inside me welled up. I had been so preoccupied with myself this summer, but I had known Viv needed help. It dawned on me.
I was the bitch.
I was so self-centered, so careless with people. I hurt Steven, I hurt Andrew, and now I let Viv hurt herself.
I stayed all night, and was finally allowed to see her. They had pumped her stomach, and stitched her substantial cut. They had checked for internal bleeding and i breathed easier finding out all she had was a concussion. I walked into the hospital room, where her parents sat, ashen faced and sober. They looked at me with accusing eyes.
“Mom, Dad, can you leave for a minute?”
“We’ll be right outside.” Her mom gave me a dirty look.
“Viv…” They had shaved the part over her cut, leaving a large space with her ugly stitches visible. She looked like a war victim, her face devoid of make-up, and I finally saw how bad she had become. The Gaunt cheekbones and sallow circles under her eyes scared me. her body was so thin in her gown, her hands spindly and her arms weak-looking.
“I am so sorry.” I sobbed.
“I need help.”
“I know, I have known, I did nothing, this is my fault.”
“No, baby, no. I knew too.”
“I should have told someone, I should have…” I broke off.
“You are a good friend, Jane. You’re my only friend. I need you, don’t blame yourself.”
“You are so beautiful and talented! Don’t leave me, I need you too.”
“I don’t blame you, I got myself into this. I’m taking a semester off, living at home, and…” She sighed, “Going into a program. Outpatient, but…”
I hugged her the best I could.
“You’re going to be my freelance photographer.” I said firmly. “The magazine needs you too. Yuki sucks at taking pictures. I can’t pay you a lot, but you’ll get a portfolio.”
“I would love that.” She smiled weakly.
“Whenever you’re ready, the offer is open.”
“As long as you can stand to see me.”
“Girl, I’ll trek out to Long Island for you as much as I can.”
“You hate Long Island!”
“I like the Hamptons.”
“You WASP.”
“Shut up, jerk.” I smiled
“Don’t call me a jerk, I’m an invalid.”
Despite her concussion, she seemed more lucid and engaged than she had in months.
“You’re making jokes!”
“Not cutting lines.”
“I missed you.”
“I missed me too.”
Marie never visited Viv, or answered my phone calls.
“Yeah well, I’m never going back to that place. I might get called a skank again in public.”
“Haha oh babe, I think it’s funny. What happened with Steven?”
“Ugh, he’s a non-issue. I never even liked him.” I shrugged.
“But he’s a person, Jane.”
“Not my person.”
Andrew looked at me with his forehead wrinkled.
“You’re not mean, Jane. You know you need to apologize.”
“I know, I know.” I sighed.
“Hey, Viv called me. She wants to go to our gig tonight.”
“Oh good! I hate sitting by myself backstage. But I do like watching you get all hot and sweaty.”
“Want a preview?” He pulled me towards the bedroom.
“I missed this.”
“Oh, yeah, me too.”
I channeled Blondie that night, in latex black leggings, spike heels and a satin blue mini dress. My new heavy bangs made me feel like her, so I figured go with it. Viv was wearing her obscene black mini skirt and thigh high, Pretty Woman black boots. I was glad to have her there, that she was still my friend after what happened. But our relationship wasn’t perfect; she felt distant to me, because of the gap in our interests. Mainly, I was moving on, and she was stuck in neutral. She was still chattering about art boys and her photography, and I could tell she was on coke. I had no interest in those things anymore, so i called Leo and Yuki for backup. We were going to write an article about the show, we had decided via email earlier that day. I wanted Viv to take the pictures, but I had no trust in her ability to stay sober enough to point and click, so I told Yuki to bring a camera. Backstage, Andrew and Viv took swig for swig of their requisite Jack Daniels. I was hugging the rest of the boys, Jason lifting me up off my feet.
“Thank you so much,” Dave joked, “All his new music was so morbid. Plus I love the Sweet Jane cover, our collective muse is back! And our train wreck groupie.” He pointed at Viv as she ran into a table. I covered my face with my hands, laughing.
“I missed you,” Colin hugged me, “You two need to be together. No homo on that statement, guys!”
“You big sap, Col.” I smiled.
“Ok, Ok, let’s go!” Andrew and the boys ran on stage.
I saw Yuki and Leo come backstage, and I rushed over.
“I am so happy for you!” Yuki practically jumped on me, her pink wig going askew.
“Yay!” Leo clapped. I laughed at them, but I wondered how these new friends I had known two months were more supportive than a girl I had known for years.
“And I have news.” Leo smiled shyly. She held up her hand, with a new gold band on it.
“Commitment ceremony alert!” I yelled.
“ Two weeks from today.” I hugged her. “Now we have to have a gay wedding section!”
“Yeah, where to find female tuxes.” Yuki joked.
“Leo Wakefield: The Face of New Gay Marriage” I added.
“And Jane Tyler, resident skanky bitch.” Leo countered.
“Oh my god!” I laughed.
“We still love you!”
“Well, it’s a little bit of press for us.” Yuki cut in.
“Gee thanks.” I groaned
“Baby Jane, all grown up and slutty on the interweb.”
“Just take the pictures, Yuki!” I laughed.
Watching Andrew on stage still gave me a thrill. He swaggered around, commanding the stage. The band played well, and the crowd responded in turn. I drank it all in, along with a few shots of Jack. Viv had more than a few, and by the end was staggering and slurring, so I pulled myself away to watch her.
“How’d I do, baby?” Andrew hugged me, soaking me in his sweat.
“Gr…” he cut off my compliment with a kiss.
“Stop hogging her, we missed her too!” Colin slung an arm around my neck, “come back to Dave and my place, we’re bringing the openers and stuff.”
“Maybe I should take Viv home?”
“Nah, she’s fine.”
“Yuki? Leo?” I asked them. “Can Tay come?”
“Duh.”
“Ok then, let me text her.”
“This will be a great article, Jane, thanks for inviting us!” Yuki grabbed my hand.
We walked into their apartment in Alphabet City, and I felt like I was part of the group I always wanted to be. Fun, friendly, excited, with futures and promise. No undertones of competition and bitterness, just ease and camaraderie. Andrew’s hand in mine helped, definitely.
“So how is James?” Jason asked me.
“Oh he’s great. Dating some vegetarian, backpacking through Europe.” I answered.
“Dope. I want a Europe tour. Where’s Marie?”
“Uh, we’re having…issues. I’ll fill you in.”
“No offense, but she’s a crazy bitch. Andrew told me what happened with you two.”
“Wait til you hear this.”
After I told them all it, there was so much groaning and berating of her character by everyone that I felt reassured in my reaction. She really was a crazy bitch.
I was in a corner with Taylor, talking about ceremony plans when I heard a crash and a scream. Viv had fallen over, cracking her head on an end table. Blood was spilling everywhere. I let out an unearthly shriek and ran over.
“Call 911!” I screamed. Why was no one moving? I cradled her head in my hands, her blood running over me, warm and sticky. I was letting out loud sobs that echoed in the small space. The ambulance took what seemed like forever to arrive. I don’t remember this, but I’m told I was pried away from Viv when the EMTs came, restrained by Colin and Andrew. I didn’t want to let her go.
We all went to the hospital, and as soon as I walked in the doors, I felt sober. The yellowness of the lighting bouncing off the taupe walls hurt my eyes. Leo led me to a seat, holding my hand the whole time. she murmured reassurances, and stroked my hair as I continued to sob. I could have prevented this, I knew it. The guilt and fear was eating me, and I felt the old blackness inside me welled up. I had been so preoccupied with myself this summer, but I had known Viv needed help. It dawned on me.
I was the bitch.
I was so self-centered, so careless with people. I hurt Steven, I hurt Andrew, and now I let Viv hurt herself.
I stayed all night, and was finally allowed to see her. They had pumped her stomach, and stitched her substantial cut. They had checked for internal bleeding and i breathed easier finding out all she had was a concussion. I walked into the hospital room, where her parents sat, ashen faced and sober. They looked at me with accusing eyes.
“Mom, Dad, can you leave for a minute?”
“We’ll be right outside.” Her mom gave me a dirty look.
“Viv…” They had shaved the part over her cut, leaving a large space with her ugly stitches visible. She looked like a war victim, her face devoid of make-up, and I finally saw how bad she had become. The Gaunt cheekbones and sallow circles under her eyes scared me. her body was so thin in her gown, her hands spindly and her arms weak-looking.
“I am so sorry.” I sobbed.
“I need help.”
“I know, I have known, I did nothing, this is my fault.”
“No, baby, no. I knew too.”
“I should have told someone, I should have…” I broke off.
“You are a good friend, Jane. You’re my only friend. I need you, don’t blame yourself.”
“You are so beautiful and talented! Don’t leave me, I need you too.”
“I don’t blame you, I got myself into this. I’m taking a semester off, living at home, and…” She sighed, “Going into a program. Outpatient, but…”
I hugged her the best I could.
“You’re going to be my freelance photographer.” I said firmly. “The magazine needs you too. Yuki sucks at taking pictures. I can’t pay you a lot, but you’ll get a portfolio.”
“I would love that.” She smiled weakly.
“Whenever you’re ready, the offer is open.”
“As long as you can stand to see me.”
“Girl, I’ll trek out to Long Island for you as much as I can.”
“You hate Long Island!”
“I like the Hamptons.”
“You WASP.”
“Shut up, jerk.” I smiled
“Don’t call me a jerk, I’m an invalid.”
Despite her concussion, she seemed more lucid and engaged than she had in months.
“You’re making jokes!”
“Not cutting lines.”
“I missed you.”
“I missed me too.”
Marie never visited Viv, or answered my phone calls.
Chapter Twenty One
“People you’ve been before that you don’t want around anymore.” Elliott Smith
I quit officially the next day, and I got a few slips of paper with people’s numbers pressed into my palm, with whispers of “Call me! I might leave too.” I had to put off Steven for another night, ignoring the constant buzzing of his texts all afternoon. He was like a puppy, I thought. I had to meet Viv’s parents with the girls for dinner in midtown, and I was dreading seeing Marie for the first time. Her words still stung, because she voiced the fears I was trying to ignore. I walked into some trendy restaurant full of tourists trying to get the “real New York feel!”, no doubt steered there from their overpriced hotels. I spotted Viv parents easily, for reasons besides Viv and Marie at the table. Viv’s mom had obviously used her plastic surgeon father’s expertise, and looked like she really dipped into the Long Island fountain of youth, with a boob job, a nose job and yogalaties. They had relocated back to their native Island after a new practice opened, leaving Westchester for tackier, more suitable conditions.
“The famous Jane!” Her mother said nasally. “It’s so nice to finally meet you! I’m loving Marie so I’m sure we’ll love you too!” She hugged me tightly, calling to mind Viv’s bone crushing hugs, and I got a cloud of her trendy perfume in my nose. Her father had a shirt partway unbuttoned, and I was relieved he just shook my hand and didn’t hug me.
“So Viv tells us you’re an English major? We have a friend in publishing…” I wondered why publishing kept coming up in my life, over and over.
“Jane, have you seen Viv’s art?” Mrs Silverstein put her arm around Viv.
“Uhm, yeah she’s so good.” Obviously, I live with her, I though to myself. I drank some of the expensive wine they had gotten for us. They kept spouting praise for Viv, and Marie kept drinking wine. I figured she was pissed at me
“So you’re a….classics major?”
“Yes.” She was being sullen, and Viv’s mom looked taken aback. She turned her attention to me and started talking about my bone structure. I wondered if she would request it for her next facelift.
After an excruciating hour like that, Marie and I took and awkward cab ride back to her parents. I decided now was as good a time as ever to tell her about Andrew.
“Marie, I’m back with Andrew and I’m moving in with him.”
I looked over and saw tears running down her face. I was shocked. I had never seen her cry, even when she fell down the stairs really hard once.
I went into our room to collect some things when we got there, and when I came out into the kitchen she was drinking vodka from the bottle. She was taking pulls, slight rivets of excess running down the side of her mouth.
“Marie, what are you doing?” I was confused and worried.
“Fuck! What the fuck?” She was obviously drunk, slurring, with her hard face on.
“What? What is going on, tell me.” My hurt from her words dissipated as I saw her looking so pathetic.
“Where are my parents, huh, Jane? Have you seen them? Tell them to call me if you do. My relationship with them is…fuck.”
“No, M, they love you.” I was trying to talk her down from this ledge of anger.
“No, they love the idea of me. I’m as abstract to them as their fucking horrible paintings. I had nannies,” She said acidly, “and now they live at their studio, ignoring me. My awards are what they care about, so they can say shit about me at cocktail parties and galas. Even Viv’s parents love their fucked up daughter. And you just have to call your daddy, and he sends you thousands. That’s normal, right? RIGHT? And now you’re leaving me alone here too. You bitch!”
“Marie!” she was so vehement I was scared.
“FUCK!” she yelled and threw the bottle against one of the paintings. It smashed, and the paint started to bleed. Marie started sobbing, hysterical. She ran into the bedroom and slammed the door. I heard a lock click into place, and I was alone in the kitchen, with the smell of vodka and Marie’s detritus of fury. I let myself out quietly.
I walked the streets for a while, debating whether or not to check on her. I felt like the farther along I got, the more they fell apart. Viv and Marie were who I used to be. But who was I now?
I stayed at Andrew’s that night, curled into him comfortably. I woke up refreshed, which I soon realized was from a lack of hangover and a solid eight hours.
“So this is what being a grown-up feels like.” I remarked to Andrew after relaying my epiphany to him.
“Please, you’re a baby.”
“That’s what they call me at work, you know. Baby Jane.”
“You mean your old job. Now your work is your own magazine.”
“Right. Jesus.”
“Maybe you are a grown up then, huh?” He pulled me closer.
“Maybe I am.”
I left later, heading to the salon. I asked the stylist to cut my hair short, in a bob. I also wanted it dyed it a normal shade of blonde, not the white I had been wearing for the past few months.
“So what’s your name again?” The hairdresser asked, while my head was in some sort of downward contortion.
“Uh, Jane.” “Oh, I thought it was you, oh my god!” She stopped cutting.
“What?” I was trying to remember if I went to high school with her or something.
“You’re the skanky bitch!” she said brightly.
“What?” I was taken aback at her comment.
“You’re the skanky bitch on Capital G today!” She named a popular gossip blog, the one that had called us Steven’s euro-pop harem.
“I’m what now?”
“You little ho, Steven Doyle and Andrew Thompson. Hot.” She patted my arm warmly, and odd match for her words.
“Show me, now.”
She pulled up the page, a bevy of salon workers crowded around us, my hair unevenly cut and wet.
“Skanky Bitch Alert!” It read, “Look at this hot mess. Who would believe both Andrew Thompson from The Wake and Steven Doyle think they’re her boyfriend?! Her name is Jane Tyler, apparently, and watch out boys, this skank gets around.” It had a picture of me, unflattering of course, my head thrown back and my mouth opened extremely wide, laughing at the paparazzi from the euro-pop night.
“Oh my god. Just finish my hair.”
I left, feeling naked, both from my new short hair, and also from my apparent internet skankiness. I called Andrew.
“Don’t google yourself today.”
“Oh babe, I heard. It’s kind of funny. And you are my girlfriend, so I don’t care. Steven might though.”
“Whatever, who told them that? No one even knows we’re back together. Not even Viv. Oh, shit.”
“What?”
“Marie.”
“No, she wouldn’t. Would she?”
“She was pretty pissed at me. and look what she did before. Oh my god. I have to go find her.”
I got out of the cab in front of Marie’s, throwing money at the cabbie. I rushed upstairs, furious. I found her sitting at the kitchen counter, reading a book.
“You bitch.” I spat out.
“Oh Steven called my phone to tell you to go to hell.” She smirked.
I walked closer to her, fuming.
“Why did you do this?”
“Because you deserve it. You think you’re so above us, like you’re leaving us behind or something. But you’re throwing away your future because you can’t handle stress. And like you’ll be so happy when Andrew dumps your ugly ass eventually.”
“I’m finally happy, you idiot. And I am leaving you behind. I’m leaving you to be a whiny little child. Oh, your parents don’t love you; your life is so hard, whatever. You’re making excuses for why you’re unhappy. And you’re jealous of me. Jealous of Andrew, jealous of any success I have, of my happiness.”
“yeah right, you dumb bitch.” She stood up.
I took a step closer, anger welling up in me. I slapped her across the face, hard. She stepped back, shocked, and I took the pause to go to our room and start packing. I called a cab while in there, with the door locked. I heard the door slam after a minute, and breathed heavily.
“What did I just do?” I said out loud to myself, putting a hand to my chest. I called Viv.
“You what?” Viv sounded legitimately shocked. I was surprised Marie hadn’t gotten to her first.
“I know, I know, but she was being vile.”
“Well,” She inhaled, “ I bet she probably did. I never said anything, but I thought she was out of line with Andrew before, and now this? Bullshit.”
“She called you a fuck-up, too.”
“She’s a bitch. Let’s meet for a drink, ok?”
“I would but I have to go find Andrew.”
“Bye, my little skanky bitch.”
“Bye, fuck-up.”
I quit officially the next day, and I got a few slips of paper with people’s numbers pressed into my palm, with whispers of “Call me! I might leave too.” I had to put off Steven for another night, ignoring the constant buzzing of his texts all afternoon. He was like a puppy, I thought. I had to meet Viv’s parents with the girls for dinner in midtown, and I was dreading seeing Marie for the first time. Her words still stung, because she voiced the fears I was trying to ignore. I walked into some trendy restaurant full of tourists trying to get the “real New York feel!”, no doubt steered there from their overpriced hotels. I spotted Viv parents easily, for reasons besides Viv and Marie at the table. Viv’s mom had obviously used her plastic surgeon father’s expertise, and looked like she really dipped into the Long Island fountain of youth, with a boob job, a nose job and yogalaties. They had relocated back to their native Island after a new practice opened, leaving Westchester for tackier, more suitable conditions.
“The famous Jane!” Her mother said nasally. “It’s so nice to finally meet you! I’m loving Marie so I’m sure we’ll love you too!” She hugged me tightly, calling to mind Viv’s bone crushing hugs, and I got a cloud of her trendy perfume in my nose. Her father had a shirt partway unbuttoned, and I was relieved he just shook my hand and didn’t hug me.
“So Viv tells us you’re an English major? We have a friend in publishing…” I wondered why publishing kept coming up in my life, over and over.
“Jane, have you seen Viv’s art?” Mrs Silverstein put her arm around Viv.
“Uhm, yeah she’s so good.” Obviously, I live with her, I though to myself. I drank some of the expensive wine they had gotten for us. They kept spouting praise for Viv, and Marie kept drinking wine. I figured she was pissed at me
“So you’re a….classics major?”
“Yes.” She was being sullen, and Viv’s mom looked taken aback. She turned her attention to me and started talking about my bone structure. I wondered if she would request it for her next facelift.
After an excruciating hour like that, Marie and I took and awkward cab ride back to her parents. I decided now was as good a time as ever to tell her about Andrew.
“Marie, I’m back with Andrew and I’m moving in with him.”
I looked over and saw tears running down her face. I was shocked. I had never seen her cry, even when she fell down the stairs really hard once.
I went into our room to collect some things when we got there, and when I came out into the kitchen she was drinking vodka from the bottle. She was taking pulls, slight rivets of excess running down the side of her mouth.
“Marie, what are you doing?” I was confused and worried.
“Fuck! What the fuck?” She was obviously drunk, slurring, with her hard face on.
“What? What is going on, tell me.” My hurt from her words dissipated as I saw her looking so pathetic.
“Where are my parents, huh, Jane? Have you seen them? Tell them to call me if you do. My relationship with them is…fuck.”
“No, M, they love you.” I was trying to talk her down from this ledge of anger.
“No, they love the idea of me. I’m as abstract to them as their fucking horrible paintings. I had nannies,” She said acidly, “and now they live at their studio, ignoring me. My awards are what they care about, so they can say shit about me at cocktail parties and galas. Even Viv’s parents love their fucked up daughter. And you just have to call your daddy, and he sends you thousands. That’s normal, right? RIGHT? And now you’re leaving me alone here too. You bitch!”
“Marie!” she was so vehement I was scared.
“FUCK!” she yelled and threw the bottle against one of the paintings. It smashed, and the paint started to bleed. Marie started sobbing, hysterical. She ran into the bedroom and slammed the door. I heard a lock click into place, and I was alone in the kitchen, with the smell of vodka and Marie’s detritus of fury. I let myself out quietly.
I walked the streets for a while, debating whether or not to check on her. I felt like the farther along I got, the more they fell apart. Viv and Marie were who I used to be. But who was I now?
I stayed at Andrew’s that night, curled into him comfortably. I woke up refreshed, which I soon realized was from a lack of hangover and a solid eight hours.
“So this is what being a grown-up feels like.” I remarked to Andrew after relaying my epiphany to him.
“Please, you’re a baby.”
“That’s what they call me at work, you know. Baby Jane.”
“You mean your old job. Now your work is your own magazine.”
“Right. Jesus.”
“Maybe you are a grown up then, huh?” He pulled me closer.
“Maybe I am.”
I left later, heading to the salon. I asked the stylist to cut my hair short, in a bob. I also wanted it dyed it a normal shade of blonde, not the white I had been wearing for the past few months.
“So what’s your name again?” The hairdresser asked, while my head was in some sort of downward contortion.
“Uh, Jane.” “Oh, I thought it was you, oh my god!” She stopped cutting.
“What?” I was trying to remember if I went to high school with her or something.
“You’re the skanky bitch!” she said brightly.
“What?” I was taken aback at her comment.
“You’re the skanky bitch on Capital G today!” She named a popular gossip blog, the one that had called us Steven’s euro-pop harem.
“I’m what now?”
“You little ho, Steven Doyle and Andrew Thompson. Hot.” She patted my arm warmly, and odd match for her words.
“Show me, now.”
She pulled up the page, a bevy of salon workers crowded around us, my hair unevenly cut and wet.
“Skanky Bitch Alert!” It read, “Look at this hot mess. Who would believe both Andrew Thompson from The Wake and Steven Doyle think they’re her boyfriend?! Her name is Jane Tyler, apparently, and watch out boys, this skank gets around.” It had a picture of me, unflattering of course, my head thrown back and my mouth opened extremely wide, laughing at the paparazzi from the euro-pop night.
“Oh my god. Just finish my hair.”
I left, feeling naked, both from my new short hair, and also from my apparent internet skankiness. I called Andrew.
“Don’t google yourself today.”
“Oh babe, I heard. It’s kind of funny. And you are my girlfriend, so I don’t care. Steven might though.”
“Whatever, who told them that? No one even knows we’re back together. Not even Viv. Oh, shit.”
“What?”
“Marie.”
“No, she wouldn’t. Would she?”
“She was pretty pissed at me. and look what she did before. Oh my god. I have to go find her.”
I got out of the cab in front of Marie’s, throwing money at the cabbie. I rushed upstairs, furious. I found her sitting at the kitchen counter, reading a book.
“You bitch.” I spat out.
“Oh Steven called my phone to tell you to go to hell.” She smirked.
I walked closer to her, fuming.
“Why did you do this?”
“Because you deserve it. You think you’re so above us, like you’re leaving us behind or something. But you’re throwing away your future because you can’t handle stress. And like you’ll be so happy when Andrew dumps your ugly ass eventually.”
“I’m finally happy, you idiot. And I am leaving you behind. I’m leaving you to be a whiny little child. Oh, your parents don’t love you; your life is so hard, whatever. You’re making excuses for why you’re unhappy. And you’re jealous of me. Jealous of Andrew, jealous of any success I have, of my happiness.”
“yeah right, you dumb bitch.” She stood up.
I took a step closer, anger welling up in me. I slapped her across the face, hard. She stepped back, shocked, and I took the pause to go to our room and start packing. I called a cab while in there, with the door locked. I heard the door slam after a minute, and breathed heavily.
“What did I just do?” I said out loud to myself, putting a hand to my chest. I called Viv.
“You what?” Viv sounded legitimately shocked. I was surprised Marie hadn’t gotten to her first.
“I know, I know, but she was being vile.”
“Well,” She inhaled, “ I bet she probably did. I never said anything, but I thought she was out of line with Andrew before, and now this? Bullshit.”
“She called you a fuck-up, too.”
“She’s a bitch. Let’s meet for a drink, ok?”
“I would but I have to go find Andrew.”
“Bye, my little skanky bitch.”
“Bye, fuck-up.”
Chapter Twenty
"Do you really think so?You’re such a bitchYou’re such a bitchYou’re such a bitchYou’re such a bitch " Bratmobile
I went to work the next mooring, bringing a massive coffee. I slept poorly, from the coke and from thinking about Andrew. When I walked in Leo was sobbing at her desk, honestly, and unashamed of her spectacle. I felt oddly jealous of her ability to show real emotion for a moment, then I asked what was wrong.
“They…let me go!” she choked out.
“They what?”
“We got bought by a publishing company, they’re doing overhauls and they don’t want editorials. See You Next Tuesday is going to be a commercial,” she sobbed harder, “a commercial magazine!”
“What the fuck?” I exploded. “You’re the best writer here!”
“I…know!”
“Start your own magazine.” I said firmly. I didn’t want there to be a world without the magazine that was my escape from the Glamour sand Cosmos. I needed a magazine like that, and I knew thousands of girls did too.
“With what money, Jane?”
“How’s thirty thousand?”
“What?” she stopped crying, looking at me.
“I have a trust fund. This is what I want to do. Thirty Thousand.”
She looked at me, curious. “Ok.”
“Ok?”
“Only if you’re the editor.”
“No way, you’re the editor in chief. It’s my magazine, I get to pick.”
Yuki burst in, in a bigger whirlwind than usual. She was wearing a purple shag wig, and her face was contorted with anger.
“No fucking way!” She yelled.
“It’s ok.” I said, “Leo and I are starting a new magazine with ym money.”
“Ok. I better be fashion editor.” She said firmly.
“We can’t pay you a lot, Yuki. How will you afford wigs?” I joked.
“You’re not the only trust fund baby, Baby Jane.” She smiled slightly.
“So how much do we have?” Leo wiped he eyes, back to business.
“I have thirty thousand.” I looked at Yuki.
“I can do ten.”
“Let me make a call.” I pulled out my cell.
“Hello?”
“Dad?”
“Jane, darling, it’s wonderful to hear from you.”
“Dad, I’m doing well, except the magazine I’m at just got bought. I’m staying here and starting a new independent magazine. And I need,” I sighed, “Financial backing. I’m using my own money for part, but I want to be able to pay my staff.”
He paused. “This is what you want to do?”
“Dad, I feel good about what I’m doing and I’m relatively happy. Please.”
“Ok. I’ll give you one year, and the equivalent of your tuition for one year at Wellesley. If you fold or get bored, you go back to school.”
“Ok, that sounds fair. Thank you, dad. Tell mom I love her, ok?”
“Jane. I’m proud of you, but I want you to know, I won’t hold it against you if you don’t make it,”
“Uh, thanks dad.” I shook off his remarks and went back into Leo’s office.
“So now we have… ten plus thirty, plus forty something. How’s that?”
“Jane, I think that’s more than See You has.” Yuki laughed. “Let’s plan tonight. Jane, you’ll be music and culture, right? And I’m fashion and stuff, and Leo is editorials and editor.” She said with authority.
“Music? Really?”
“Duh.” She rolled her eyes. “You fucked a rock star, and you always know the best bands. Who would be better?”
I smiled. They thought I was good at something. Jesus.
We walked to Leo’s apartment after work, she and I holding boxes of her stuff. We sat down around the coffee table when we got there, pouring glasses of whiskey, and toasting our new magazine.
“So I have a name.” Yuki said.
“Yes?” I raised my eyebrows at her.
“Lucky Bitch. Because we’re lucky bitches Jane’s dad is rich.”
We all laughed.
“Perfect!” Leo crowed.
“Now I was thinking we make a craigslist posting for interns.” I said, Leo writing notes.
“And I can call Andrew to interview him. He owes me.” I thought about his kiss again, and shook it off to focus.
“How about Steven?”
“Oh. Right.” I had forgotten about him.
“See, we’re lucky bitches Jane is hot.” Yuki laughed.
“I’m writing an editorial about gay adoption.” Leo said firmly. “Taylor and I are trying.” She smiled sheepishly.
“OH MY GOD!” Yuki and I jumped on her, hugging her tightly.
“So you need dollars, obviously.” I said.
“Ok, and I’m doing a feature on how independent labels work. Something I never did at See You. Maybe how to start a DIY label.”
“Hey, Viv can shoot a spread for us. And Marie works at a high end vintage shop, we can get their clothes on loan, maybe.”
“Is this seriously working?” Leo shook her head in amazement.
“I think it is.” I felt amazing. “To Lucky Bitch!”
“To Lucky Bitch!” Yuki crowed. We toasted and drank our whiskey down.
I took a cab home, excited to a point of ridiculousness. I charged up the stairs and was bursting with my news. I practically yelled at Marie.
“Leo, Yuki and I are starting our own magazine! Leo got fired and then we asked my dad and then we named it Lucky Bitch and it’s…”
I stopped when I saw her look.
“That is so stupid, what about college?”
“I told you, I dropped out, remember?” I half laughed, awkward.
“This is retarded.”
I started tearing up. I grabbed some clothes and shoved them in my oversized purse, and ignored her as hot tears rolled down my cheeks. I left, and stopped on the sidewalk. Where could I go? I pulled our my cell pone and scrolled through, my fingers pausing on Andrew. I pressed send.
“Hello?” he sounded muffled.
“Hi.” I choked out. “Can you… see me? I mean, can I see you?”
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know, everything.” I was now sobbing.
“Come over, ok?” He told me his address and I hailed a cab.
“So everyone thinks I can’t do it. Marie, my dad, they all think I need to go back to school, but I hate it. I hate it there. I hate everything about college.”
We were sitting awkwardly far apart, but my tears doused any sexual tension between us. He scooted closer and out an arm around me.
“I had the same problem. I have a degree from Harvard, but I’m doing this music thing. My parents feel like they wasted thousands of dollars, and they’re sure I’m going to become some morbid E True Hollywood Story.”
“I know, I know. What’s wrong with our different plans? I thought Marie would understand. Shouldn’t she support me?”
I regretted bring up Marie to Andrew.
“She’s kind of a bitch, you know that right? I mean, she was the one who told me about your relationship with Javier.”
“Whoa, what?” I leaned back from him. “It was once, and nothing even happened. I started crying immediately because I thought about you.”
“She told me you….”
“No. And so now I assume you didn’t,” I swallowed, “Kiss her?”
“What? No! I loved you. I was so torn up. I still haven’t been able to date anyone since.”
“That bitch.”
“So you never really cheated, fully.”
“Nope. And you never kissed her.”
We sat in silence. Words I wanted to say hung in the balance.
“So.” He said, slowly and carefully.
“So, now what?”
“Jane, I still…”He paused.” Love you.”
“I looked up at his face, sincere and open.
“I love you too, Andrew. I love you.”
He kissed me gently, and whispered ‘I love you’. My stomach surged with happiness. I felt complete again.
I stroked the side of his face, and gently pulled at his shirt. We made love on the couch, tenderly like it was the first time. AS I laid in his arms after, feeling his breathing go up and down, I remember about Steven.
“Well now I need to break up with the boy I don’t even think I’m dating.” I laughed.
“What did you see in him? He seems like kind of an idiot, no offense.”
“Oh, he is. He really is. He just wasn’t you. I couldn’t be with anyone I actually liked, because I love you.”
“I see. Well, same goes for me. let’s just forget the past months, please. I just want to start new with you.”
“Can I stay here a few days, babe? I can’t face her.”
“Just move in.”
“You still do that, huh?”
“Do what?”
“Propose serious ideas in the form of a statement, so I can’t refuse.”
“Yeah, I do.” We laughed softly, and he stroked my hair. I felt small in his arms, safe and warm.
I went to work the next mooring, bringing a massive coffee. I slept poorly, from the coke and from thinking about Andrew. When I walked in Leo was sobbing at her desk, honestly, and unashamed of her spectacle. I felt oddly jealous of her ability to show real emotion for a moment, then I asked what was wrong.
“They…let me go!” she choked out.
“They what?”
“We got bought by a publishing company, they’re doing overhauls and they don’t want editorials. See You Next Tuesday is going to be a commercial,” she sobbed harder, “a commercial magazine!”
“What the fuck?” I exploded. “You’re the best writer here!”
“I…know!”
“Start your own magazine.” I said firmly. I didn’t want there to be a world without the magazine that was my escape from the Glamour sand Cosmos. I needed a magazine like that, and I knew thousands of girls did too.
“With what money, Jane?”
“How’s thirty thousand?”
“What?” she stopped crying, looking at me.
“I have a trust fund. This is what I want to do. Thirty Thousand.”
She looked at me, curious. “Ok.”
“Ok?”
“Only if you’re the editor.”
“No way, you’re the editor in chief. It’s my magazine, I get to pick.”
Yuki burst in, in a bigger whirlwind than usual. She was wearing a purple shag wig, and her face was contorted with anger.
“No fucking way!” She yelled.
“It’s ok.” I said, “Leo and I are starting a new magazine with ym money.”
“Ok. I better be fashion editor.” She said firmly.
“We can’t pay you a lot, Yuki. How will you afford wigs?” I joked.
“You’re not the only trust fund baby, Baby Jane.” She smiled slightly.
“So how much do we have?” Leo wiped he eyes, back to business.
“I have thirty thousand.” I looked at Yuki.
“I can do ten.”
“Let me make a call.” I pulled out my cell.
“Hello?”
“Dad?”
“Jane, darling, it’s wonderful to hear from you.”
“Dad, I’m doing well, except the magazine I’m at just got bought. I’m staying here and starting a new independent magazine. And I need,” I sighed, “Financial backing. I’m using my own money for part, but I want to be able to pay my staff.”
He paused. “This is what you want to do?”
“Dad, I feel good about what I’m doing and I’m relatively happy. Please.”
“Ok. I’ll give you one year, and the equivalent of your tuition for one year at Wellesley. If you fold or get bored, you go back to school.”
“Ok, that sounds fair. Thank you, dad. Tell mom I love her, ok?”
“Jane. I’m proud of you, but I want you to know, I won’t hold it against you if you don’t make it,”
“Uh, thanks dad.” I shook off his remarks and went back into Leo’s office.
“So now we have… ten plus thirty, plus forty something. How’s that?”
“Jane, I think that’s more than See You has.” Yuki laughed. “Let’s plan tonight. Jane, you’ll be music and culture, right? And I’m fashion and stuff, and Leo is editorials and editor.” She said with authority.
“Music? Really?”
“Duh.” She rolled her eyes. “You fucked a rock star, and you always know the best bands. Who would be better?”
I smiled. They thought I was good at something. Jesus.
We walked to Leo’s apartment after work, she and I holding boxes of her stuff. We sat down around the coffee table when we got there, pouring glasses of whiskey, and toasting our new magazine.
“So I have a name.” Yuki said.
“Yes?” I raised my eyebrows at her.
“Lucky Bitch. Because we’re lucky bitches Jane’s dad is rich.”
We all laughed.
“Perfect!” Leo crowed.
“Now I was thinking we make a craigslist posting for interns.” I said, Leo writing notes.
“And I can call Andrew to interview him. He owes me.” I thought about his kiss again, and shook it off to focus.
“How about Steven?”
“Oh. Right.” I had forgotten about him.
“See, we’re lucky bitches Jane is hot.” Yuki laughed.
“I’m writing an editorial about gay adoption.” Leo said firmly. “Taylor and I are trying.” She smiled sheepishly.
“OH MY GOD!” Yuki and I jumped on her, hugging her tightly.
“So you need dollars, obviously.” I said.
“Ok, and I’m doing a feature on how independent labels work. Something I never did at See You. Maybe how to start a DIY label.”
“Hey, Viv can shoot a spread for us. And Marie works at a high end vintage shop, we can get their clothes on loan, maybe.”
“Is this seriously working?” Leo shook her head in amazement.
“I think it is.” I felt amazing. “To Lucky Bitch!”
“To Lucky Bitch!” Yuki crowed. We toasted and drank our whiskey down.
I took a cab home, excited to a point of ridiculousness. I charged up the stairs and was bursting with my news. I practically yelled at Marie.
“Leo, Yuki and I are starting our own magazine! Leo got fired and then we asked my dad and then we named it Lucky Bitch and it’s…”
I stopped when I saw her look.
“That is so stupid, what about college?”
“I told you, I dropped out, remember?” I half laughed, awkward.
“This is retarded.”
I started tearing up. I grabbed some clothes and shoved them in my oversized purse, and ignored her as hot tears rolled down my cheeks. I left, and stopped on the sidewalk. Where could I go? I pulled our my cell pone and scrolled through, my fingers pausing on Andrew. I pressed send.
“Hello?” he sounded muffled.
“Hi.” I choked out. “Can you… see me? I mean, can I see you?”
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know, everything.” I was now sobbing.
“Come over, ok?” He told me his address and I hailed a cab.
“So everyone thinks I can’t do it. Marie, my dad, they all think I need to go back to school, but I hate it. I hate it there. I hate everything about college.”
We were sitting awkwardly far apart, but my tears doused any sexual tension between us. He scooted closer and out an arm around me.
“I had the same problem. I have a degree from Harvard, but I’m doing this music thing. My parents feel like they wasted thousands of dollars, and they’re sure I’m going to become some morbid E True Hollywood Story.”
“I know, I know. What’s wrong with our different plans? I thought Marie would understand. Shouldn’t she support me?”
I regretted bring up Marie to Andrew.
“She’s kind of a bitch, you know that right? I mean, she was the one who told me about your relationship with Javier.”
“Whoa, what?” I leaned back from him. “It was once, and nothing even happened. I started crying immediately because I thought about you.”
“She told me you….”
“No. And so now I assume you didn’t,” I swallowed, “Kiss her?”
“What? No! I loved you. I was so torn up. I still haven’t been able to date anyone since.”
“That bitch.”
“So you never really cheated, fully.”
“Nope. And you never kissed her.”
We sat in silence. Words I wanted to say hung in the balance.
“So.” He said, slowly and carefully.
“So, now what?”
“Jane, I still…”He paused.” Love you.”
“I looked up at his face, sincere and open.
“I love you too, Andrew. I love you.”
He kissed me gently, and whispered ‘I love you’. My stomach surged with happiness. I felt complete again.
I stroked the side of his face, and gently pulled at his shirt. We made love on the couch, tenderly like it was the first time. AS I laid in his arms after, feeling his breathing go up and down, I remember about Steven.
“Well now I need to break up with the boy I don’t even think I’m dating.” I laughed.
“What did you see in him? He seems like kind of an idiot, no offense.”
“Oh, he is. He really is. He just wasn’t you. I couldn’t be with anyone I actually liked, because I love you.”
“I see. Well, same goes for me. let’s just forget the past months, please. I just want to start new with you.”
“Can I stay here a few days, babe? I can’t face her.”
“Just move in.”
“You still do that, huh?”
“Do what?”
“Propose serious ideas in the form of a statement, so I can’t refuse.”
“Yeah, I do.” We laughed softly, and he stroked my hair. I felt small in his arms, safe and warm.
Chapter Nineteen
"And she would run, run, run, run, run Take a drag or two" Velvet Underground
We listened to The Velvet Underground to get into the mood, and I skipped over Sweet Jane. We all underdressed for us, knowing that a warehouse wasn’t the best place to wear fur or sequins. I borrowed one of Marie’s prep school pleated skirts that I fished out of her closet. Viv just wore spiked heels and a leather jacket, and spent no time on her makeup. She was really started to look ragged, but I supposed it was intentional that night. Marie wore her ripped tights with a skintight leopard mini-skirt, one of mine. We walked there, giggling and taking swigs out of a forty in a paper bag. I texted Lexi and she met us outside, air kissing the girls, and hugging me.
“Is your skin baby-soft?” she wiggled her eyebrows at me, smiling.
“You’re lucky you’re the beauty intern, free product.” Viv remarked.
“I’m cheaper than animal testing.” Viv laughed appreciatively. Marie looked kind of sullen, glancing around at passing people.
“Let’s go!” Viv had seemed to find a new friend in Lexi, and they grabbed hands and practically skipped inside.
“Ugh, where did you find her?” Marie rolled her eyes.
“She’s nice, c’mon Marie.”
I knew Marie would be in a bad mood all night, and I felt a knot tighten in my stomach. We paid five bucks for a plastic cup to drink from a keg all night, and we snaked our way to the stage. I looked around at the crowd, and a familiar back caught my eye.
“Jesus, why does he keep showing up?” Marie had spotted Andrew as well.
“Probably because he likes everything we like, remember?” Viv said.
“Oh yeah.”
“I’m going to say hi, get it over with.” I gulped my beer down and strode over with false bravado.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
We both paused.
“Uhm, how are you?” I was regretting this.
“Fine.” He looked at me coldly, and I recoiled on the inside.
“Yeah, me too.”
“Where’s your boyfriend?”
“I don’t have one.”
“Oh so now you make out with random dudes in public, nice.”
“Whatever, you’re being an asshole.” I turned to go and he grabbed my wrist.
“Wait, I’m sorry. I…” He trailed off.
“I know.”
He kept his hold on me wrist, and we fell into a familiar formation. I fit in close with him, felt his chest rise and fall with his breath. He kissed me, hard, and I kissed back, fueled by anger, passion and sadness. My fingers wound into his hair, and he pulled me roughly close to him. I broke away, and looked him in the eyes. Without talking, he pulled me to the warehouse wall, and we pushed against it, grasping at each other with equal pressure. He finally stopped and looked down at me.
“I can’t do this again.”
He turned and walked away, to the exit. Tears welled in my eyes, and I put my hands to my head. I felt empty, alone. Couldn’t do what? What I that horrible? I went back to the keg, and filled another beer. I found the girls by the stage, and the band had just started playing. I breathed in the smell of sweat, beer and cigarettes. It felt alive in there, and I let myself blur into the fold of energy. This was the exact opposite of the world I normally ventured into. The grimy boys were actually grimy, not styled to look so. It felt too honest to me. There was so much raw emotions, I had nothing to hide behind. The music surged, and the crowd was connected together by powerful chords running through everyone’s veins. Viv was sucking face with one of the dirty punks around, and Marie was finally laughing with Lexi. Smoke hung in the air above my head, like a cloud of smog. Everyone was lighting Marlboro Reds, cowboy killers, and they reminded me of the townies I used to skip class to smoke with. They’d say “Go Red or go home,” in thick Boston accents. I lit a Camel, feeling bourgeois with my rich kid cigarettes. I blew the smoke up, pursing my lips. I spent the rest of the show trying to reconnect with my surroundings but I only felt his palm imprint burned onto my wrist.
“Come onnnn.” Viv tugged my arm, harder then she meant to. She was dragging me back to Lexi’s, where I planned on drinking and drugging my way into oblivion.
“No yeah, I totally agree.” Lexi was cutting lines up on a coffee table book.
“It’s like, they were expressing movement and stuff.” Viv was eying the lines intently. I hated coke talking, the way you had to fill the time between lines with pure bullshit. Viv and Lexi were shitting around about the art at the warehouse, and Marie and I were talking quietly about nothing. I took my line as it was passed, and then Marie took hers. She flipped her hair over one shoulder, holding it back as she leaned over and pulled through the rolled up twenty. Viv and Lexi were matching line for line, becoming increasingly manic.I felt jittery and ill at ease, so I drank some white wine from the bottle. We took a cab back to Marie’s, Viv talking loudly with the cabbie about Armenia.
We listened to The Velvet Underground to get into the mood, and I skipped over Sweet Jane. We all underdressed for us, knowing that a warehouse wasn’t the best place to wear fur or sequins. I borrowed one of Marie’s prep school pleated skirts that I fished out of her closet. Viv just wore spiked heels and a leather jacket, and spent no time on her makeup. She was really started to look ragged, but I supposed it was intentional that night. Marie wore her ripped tights with a skintight leopard mini-skirt, one of mine. We walked there, giggling and taking swigs out of a forty in a paper bag. I texted Lexi and she met us outside, air kissing the girls, and hugging me.
“Is your skin baby-soft?” she wiggled her eyebrows at me, smiling.
“You’re lucky you’re the beauty intern, free product.” Viv remarked.
“I’m cheaper than animal testing.” Viv laughed appreciatively. Marie looked kind of sullen, glancing around at passing people.
“Let’s go!” Viv had seemed to find a new friend in Lexi, and they grabbed hands and practically skipped inside.
“Ugh, where did you find her?” Marie rolled her eyes.
“She’s nice, c’mon Marie.”
I knew Marie would be in a bad mood all night, and I felt a knot tighten in my stomach. We paid five bucks for a plastic cup to drink from a keg all night, and we snaked our way to the stage. I looked around at the crowd, and a familiar back caught my eye.
“Jesus, why does he keep showing up?” Marie had spotted Andrew as well.
“Probably because he likes everything we like, remember?” Viv said.
“Oh yeah.”
“I’m going to say hi, get it over with.” I gulped my beer down and strode over with false bravado.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
We both paused.
“Uhm, how are you?” I was regretting this.
“Fine.” He looked at me coldly, and I recoiled on the inside.
“Yeah, me too.”
“Where’s your boyfriend?”
“I don’t have one.”
“Oh so now you make out with random dudes in public, nice.”
“Whatever, you’re being an asshole.” I turned to go and he grabbed my wrist.
“Wait, I’m sorry. I…” He trailed off.
“I know.”
He kept his hold on me wrist, and we fell into a familiar formation. I fit in close with him, felt his chest rise and fall with his breath. He kissed me, hard, and I kissed back, fueled by anger, passion and sadness. My fingers wound into his hair, and he pulled me roughly close to him. I broke away, and looked him in the eyes. Without talking, he pulled me to the warehouse wall, and we pushed against it, grasping at each other with equal pressure. He finally stopped and looked down at me.
“I can’t do this again.”
He turned and walked away, to the exit. Tears welled in my eyes, and I put my hands to my head. I felt empty, alone. Couldn’t do what? What I that horrible? I went back to the keg, and filled another beer. I found the girls by the stage, and the band had just started playing. I breathed in the smell of sweat, beer and cigarettes. It felt alive in there, and I let myself blur into the fold of energy. This was the exact opposite of the world I normally ventured into. The grimy boys were actually grimy, not styled to look so. It felt too honest to me. There was so much raw emotions, I had nothing to hide behind. The music surged, and the crowd was connected together by powerful chords running through everyone’s veins. Viv was sucking face with one of the dirty punks around, and Marie was finally laughing with Lexi. Smoke hung in the air above my head, like a cloud of smog. Everyone was lighting Marlboro Reds, cowboy killers, and they reminded me of the townies I used to skip class to smoke with. They’d say “Go Red or go home,” in thick Boston accents. I lit a Camel, feeling bourgeois with my rich kid cigarettes. I blew the smoke up, pursing my lips. I spent the rest of the show trying to reconnect with my surroundings but I only felt his palm imprint burned onto my wrist.
“Come onnnn.” Viv tugged my arm, harder then she meant to. She was dragging me back to Lexi’s, where I planned on drinking and drugging my way into oblivion.
“No yeah, I totally agree.” Lexi was cutting lines up on a coffee table book.
“It’s like, they were expressing movement and stuff.” Viv was eying the lines intently. I hated coke talking, the way you had to fill the time between lines with pure bullshit. Viv and Lexi were shitting around about the art at the warehouse, and Marie and I were talking quietly about nothing. I took my line as it was passed, and then Marie took hers. She flipped her hair over one shoulder, holding it back as she leaned over and pulled through the rolled up twenty. Viv and Lexi were matching line for line, becoming increasingly manic.I felt jittery and ill at ease, so I drank some white wine from the bottle. We took a cab back to Marie’s, Viv talking loudly with the cabbie about Armenia.
Chapter Eighteen EDITED
"You're just damage control for a walking corpse like me." Rilo Kiley
I met Steven at the Amber Room after work one night for dinner, and I brought him the final copy of our article. He read parts of it out loud and laughed at all the right phrases.
“Jane, you’re a great writer!” He looked at me admiringly.
“Thank you.” I was mildly embarrassed, but pleased. I felt good about this piece. After what seemed like months of directionless partying, I had completed something I was actually proud of. It felt strange. Steven held my hand over the table, looking at me the whole time. It felt good to be appreciated, but I only wished I liked him more.
“So I was reading this article Leo was writing about animal testing…” I started.
“Oh.” He looked mildly disinterested. I stopped myself.
“So when does your new movie come out?” I tried that instead. He launched into a description of it, and it sounded pretty good, but I felt my mind wandering. I tried to refocus, and remain present, but he just wasn’t that interesting. It was kind of like dating a bowl of oatmeal. A bowl of oatmeal with an oddly attractive scruffy beard. I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I took a large bite of salad. He didn’t really need a response though, as his soliloquy had bled from the movie to his costar and then to on-set practical jokes. But then I looked at him, and he was just so damn adorable, I figured I should just try harder. He walked me home after dinner, and it was, admittedly, lovely. The oppressive heat had cooled after sunset, and he and I were walking in comfortable silence. On Marie’s stoop, he looked at me seriously.
“I love hanging out with you, Jane. You’re just like…so smart.” He looked shy, running his hands over his hair nervously.
“I like spending time with you too.” I squeezed his hand.
“I’ll call you later tonight to say good night?” He smiled.
“Ok, sure.” I felt a little awkward. Was this seventh grade?
I let myself in, and there was no one there. It felt odd. Without anyone to reflect back to me who I was supposed to be at that moment I didn’t know who to be: competent intern, party girl, or attentive date, whatever. I sat at the kitchen table, and breathed, feeling restless and ill at ease. All of my role playing was exhausting me. Instead of thinking about it, I called Leo.
“Hey Baby Jane!” She yelled into the phone. “Come over, we’re doing karaoke!” I smiled. She was so wholesome and excitable. I caught a cab back to Brooklyn.
When I buzzed into Leo’s building, the sound of laughter echoed down the stairwell. When I walked in Leo and Taylor were singing “Rebel Rebel” by Bowie, strutting around. They looked so cute together, and their apartment was cozy and artistically decorated with Taylor’s artwork. Everyone introduced themselves, and Yuki gave me a bone-crushing hug. Her silent boyfriend nodded in my direction. The girl next to me, Jenna, was a model for an alternative apparel brand. She wore thick granny glasses and looked effortless. She yelled over the music to me.
“Sing a song!” she grinned at me. She was so friendly for someone so beautiful.
“No, I’m terrible,” I grimace, “I sound like a five year old!”
“C’mon, we’re all bad. Listen to Taylor.” I noted Taylor’s off key warbling.
After a few more drinks, Jenna coerced me into singing “I Wanna Be Sedated”. I did my best Ramones rendition, my small voice causing raucous laughter from the crowd. I fell asleep on Leo’s couch later that night, texting Marie where I was, right before I drifted off.
I Borrowed Leo’s clothes for work that morning, standard hipster fare of tight jeans and a v neck t-shirt.
“I am hurtin’, baby Jane.” Leo had her face all scrunched up from the sun’s glare.
“Let’s get coffee. Please. Now.”
We ducked into a coffee shop, and I ordered coffee for the whole staff.
“I got it, Leo.” I slid my mom’s credit card across the counter. “This way, she knows where I am, and remembers I exist.”
“Thanks, girlie. Everyone will loveeee you today.”
“Well, I saw Yuki last night, I’ll bet she needs this.”
We sat around the table, finishing the final layout for the August issue. I saw my article in mock-up, and felt distinct pride through my tiredness. After the meeting, another intern and I were forced to try facemasks for Shannon. Lexi and I copy edited while looking like Kermit the Frog in our various seaweed masks. Lexi was Shannon’s intern for the summer, a student at N.Y.U. She reminded me of Marie in dress sense, wearing ironic sweater vests and pleated skirts paired with combat boots. She looked like a relic from the nineties.
“So you used to date the dude from The Wake.” She raised her eyebrows and her mask cracked around her eyes.
“Yeah.” I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear self consciously.
“Nice. They’re pretty good.” She nodded. “Well if you liked them, I know about this underground punk show tonight, you down?”
“Let me check with my friends, but yeah.” Lexi was just one of those cool girls who knew about New York in its entirety. I wanted to see her New York, and I thought the girls would too. I met them at a café near Marie’s after work, my pores shrunk and tightened by all the facemasks I tried.
“So Lexi said it’s in this warehouse space, really grimy and full of art installations. I’m thinking it combines all of our favorite things: smoking indoors, dirty boys who don’t have real jobs and watching Viv fawn over art.” I was trying to convince them, as I couldn’t stand another glossy evening with Steven.
Marie chewed thoughtfully while Viv picked at a cookie.
“I’m down,” Viv said, “I’ve been meaning to see some artsy boys who don’t shower.”
“Viv, that’s all you do all day.”
“Well I didn’t see any today. Oops, there goes one.” She pointed at a waiter. “Well, you can never see enough.”
“Yeah sure, I’ll go.” Marie gave her seal of approval.
I met Steven at the Amber Room after work one night for dinner, and I brought him the final copy of our article. He read parts of it out loud and laughed at all the right phrases.
“Jane, you’re a great writer!” He looked at me admiringly.
“Thank you.” I was mildly embarrassed, but pleased. I felt good about this piece. After what seemed like months of directionless partying, I had completed something I was actually proud of. It felt strange. Steven held my hand over the table, looking at me the whole time. It felt good to be appreciated, but I only wished I liked him more.
“So I was reading this article Leo was writing about animal testing…” I started.
“Oh.” He looked mildly disinterested. I stopped myself.
“So when does your new movie come out?” I tried that instead. He launched into a description of it, and it sounded pretty good, but I felt my mind wandering. I tried to refocus, and remain present, but he just wasn’t that interesting. It was kind of like dating a bowl of oatmeal. A bowl of oatmeal with an oddly attractive scruffy beard. I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I took a large bite of salad. He didn’t really need a response though, as his soliloquy had bled from the movie to his costar and then to on-set practical jokes. But then I looked at him, and he was just so damn adorable, I figured I should just try harder. He walked me home after dinner, and it was, admittedly, lovely. The oppressive heat had cooled after sunset, and he and I were walking in comfortable silence. On Marie’s stoop, he looked at me seriously.
“I love hanging out with you, Jane. You’re just like…so smart.” He looked shy, running his hands over his hair nervously.
“I like spending time with you too.” I squeezed his hand.
“I’ll call you later tonight to say good night?” He smiled.
“Ok, sure.” I felt a little awkward. Was this seventh grade?
I let myself in, and there was no one there. It felt odd. Without anyone to reflect back to me who I was supposed to be at that moment I didn’t know who to be: competent intern, party girl, or attentive date, whatever. I sat at the kitchen table, and breathed, feeling restless and ill at ease. All of my role playing was exhausting me. Instead of thinking about it, I called Leo.
“Hey Baby Jane!” She yelled into the phone. “Come over, we’re doing karaoke!” I smiled. She was so wholesome and excitable. I caught a cab back to Brooklyn.
When I buzzed into Leo’s building, the sound of laughter echoed down the stairwell. When I walked in Leo and Taylor were singing “Rebel Rebel” by Bowie, strutting around. They looked so cute together, and their apartment was cozy and artistically decorated with Taylor’s artwork. Everyone introduced themselves, and Yuki gave me a bone-crushing hug. Her silent boyfriend nodded in my direction. The girl next to me, Jenna, was a model for an alternative apparel brand. She wore thick granny glasses and looked effortless. She yelled over the music to me.
“Sing a song!” she grinned at me. She was so friendly for someone so beautiful.
“No, I’m terrible,” I grimace, “I sound like a five year old!”
“C’mon, we’re all bad. Listen to Taylor.” I noted Taylor’s off key warbling.
After a few more drinks, Jenna coerced me into singing “I Wanna Be Sedated”. I did my best Ramones rendition, my small voice causing raucous laughter from the crowd. I fell asleep on Leo’s couch later that night, texting Marie where I was, right before I drifted off.
I Borrowed Leo’s clothes for work that morning, standard hipster fare of tight jeans and a v neck t-shirt.
“I am hurtin’, baby Jane.” Leo had her face all scrunched up from the sun’s glare.
“Let’s get coffee. Please. Now.”
We ducked into a coffee shop, and I ordered coffee for the whole staff.
“I got it, Leo.” I slid my mom’s credit card across the counter. “This way, she knows where I am, and remembers I exist.”
“Thanks, girlie. Everyone will loveeee you today.”
“Well, I saw Yuki last night, I’ll bet she needs this.”
We sat around the table, finishing the final layout for the August issue. I saw my article in mock-up, and felt distinct pride through my tiredness. After the meeting, another intern and I were forced to try facemasks for Shannon. Lexi and I copy edited while looking like Kermit the Frog in our various seaweed masks. Lexi was Shannon’s intern for the summer, a student at N.Y.U. She reminded me of Marie in dress sense, wearing ironic sweater vests and pleated skirts paired with combat boots. She looked like a relic from the nineties.
“So you used to date the dude from The Wake.” She raised her eyebrows and her mask cracked around her eyes.
“Yeah.” I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear self consciously.
“Nice. They’re pretty good.” She nodded. “Well if you liked them, I know about this underground punk show tonight, you down?”
“Let me check with my friends, but yeah.” Lexi was just one of those cool girls who knew about New York in its entirety. I wanted to see her New York, and I thought the girls would too. I met them at a café near Marie’s after work, my pores shrunk and tightened by all the facemasks I tried.
“So Lexi said it’s in this warehouse space, really grimy and full of art installations. I’m thinking it combines all of our favorite things: smoking indoors, dirty boys who don’t have real jobs and watching Viv fawn over art.” I was trying to convince them, as I couldn’t stand another glossy evening with Steven.
Marie chewed thoughtfully while Viv picked at a cookie.
“I’m down,” Viv said, “I’ve been meaning to see some artsy boys who don’t shower.”
“Viv, that’s all you do all day.”
“Well I didn’t see any today. Oops, there goes one.” She pointed at a waiter. “Well, you can never see enough.”
“Yeah sure, I’ll go.” Marie gave her seal of approval.
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