Alice part 6

“Fuck, Fuck, FUCK.”
“This is becoming a motif in our life.” She tossed a shirt at me. “Wear this one.”
“This one? This one is ugly.”
“You’re ugly.”
“Not helping.”
“I wasn’t trying to. It’s nine twenty, hurry the fuck up…” She drawled and swigged from a water bottle of vodka.
“I have no idea how you can do that. Just drink it straight, ugh.” I tugged a shirt over my head, checking myself out in the mirror.
“I’m part Russian.”
“And part alcoholic.”
“Touché.” She took another gulp.
“Pass that shit, yo.”
“Liquid courage, my friend.”
“I need it. Tell me again what I’m supposed to do?”
“Make out with Aaron.”
“Right. How do I do that?”
“Well, I don’t know, move your mouth around and stick your tongue out is usually what I do but…”
“I mean, get him to kiss me, not how do I literally kiss.”
“Oh right. Well I suppose it should be easy enough: get him drunk and then bend over and shove your tits in his face.”
“You are the least helpful friend imaginable.”
“I know, I really don’t know why you put up with me. I heard a honk, let’s get your slutty little butt downstairs.”
“Bye Mom!”
“Bye girls, tell Mrs. Cartwright hello from me.”
“Yeah, bye.”
“Hello, boys.” Kate said as we crammed in the backseat.
“Sup, beezys.” Mark piped up.
“What does that even mean?” I asked
“Uhm, Hi Girls, loosely translated.” Aaron joked.
“The impenetrable language of hip-hop.” Mark shook his head sadly. “No one understands.”
“Good to see you haven’t gotten normal Mark.” Kate raised her eyebrows at me.
“No, I think it’s safe to say he hasn’t” Aaron laughed.
“Stacy planned a cake-fight for later on tonight, we’re all weird.” I pointed out.
“A cake-fight?” Mark looked awed. This was his first party with the burnouts, stoners, freaks and weirdos.
“And you’re goin’ down, suckaaaa.” Kate threw up a gang sign.
“Who on earth taught you that?”
“My cousin from New York.”
“You cousin is from Long Island.”
“Whatever, I’m badass.”
The boys were cracking up at us, and I was glad someone was there to witness our rapport for once. Usually it was just my brother, and he was too busy being thirteen to care. We pulled up to the party then, and it looked like everyone had come out for the first party of the year. We trekked through the woods next to Stacy's house to “The Camp”, her old garage which we had turned into a party room. It was an old farmhouse deal, so there was a loft upstairs, and plenty of space downstairs.
“Hey guys!” Stacy was wearing a voluminous peasant dress, and looked like she was stoned out of her mind.
Kate and I both hugged her, and then she shook Mark’s hand.
“He’s a junior, and he’s totally weird.” Kate offered.
“Nice! Hey another junior is here, some chick named Olive, you know her?” she looked at Mark.
“Yeah,” he muttered, “I do.” He had a weird look on his face, like he wanted to gag. I guess he didn’t like her or something.
“What do you want? Booze or Drugs or both?” Stacy was always a most accommodating hostess.
“Both.” Kate said.
“How ‘bout that beer, Alice?” Aaron pointed to the case of beer sitting on a table. He passed a kid five bucks, and took two, handing me one. I cracked it open, the foam bubbling up through the hole slightly. I drank it, and felt myself starting to get faded. I liked beer a lot, which sometimes got me in trouble.
“So, Al.” Aaron looked at me. My mind raced frantically for something to say or do.
“Want to make a bet?” I blurted.
“Sure.”
“Loser of the cake fight has to…” I paused, “Streak naked in the woods.”
“You’re on.”
“You’ll regret. You’re too skinny to be naked in public.” I joked.
“No, I’ll win and I get to see you…” He coughed, cutting himself off, and I blushed.
We chatted with everyone else then, keeping a distance because of what he just said. My heart was pounding in my ears. He wanted me. So why couldn’t I just do it? Just practice, right? Even though he was cute and good at skating and kind of smart. And hot. And really hot. And he wanted to see me naked. I pulled Kate aside and recapped.
“Oh man, he wants to see your tits.”
“I know. Do I show him them or just run away naked?”
“You might win the fight.”
“Please, I don’t want to see his pale, skinny butt running around.”
“You want him to see your pale butt?”
“No.”
“You’ve got quite the pickle. And I bet he does too.”
“Sick, Kate, sick.”
“I thought it was funny. Anyway, there’s something I want to talk to you about.”
“Kate focus, I need a plan.” She sighed at me.
“Ok, uhm, just kiss him and he’ll forget about the bet.”
“Sould I kiss him?”
“Alice. You like him. Admit it. He’s not a practice boy, this is for real.”
“Jesus fucking Christ. You are so right. He’s perfect. I am going to fuck this up so badly.”
“Just go over there and kiss him.” She gave me a little shove in his direction where he was in deep conversation with some skater kid named Travis, but he excused himself when he saw me coming.
“Uhm, where’d Mark go?”
“You know, I have no idea.”
“So about this bet…” I paused
“Yeah it’s stupid.”
“Well.” I smiled, “I’m stupid. I do stupid shit all day long.”
“I think you’re funny.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re not…you don’t take yourself too seriously. You’re easy going. You’re like hanging out with my guy friends.” I groaned when he said that.
“That’s the worst. I always, always get told that by guys. Which just means ‘you act too much like a dude for us to think of you as a girl.’”
“I think of you as a girl.”
“Oh.”
Just then the cake fight started. A piece of frosting flew into his face, landing right below his nose. I laughed, and pointed it out to him. He stepped closer to me, his voice growing slightly deeper.
“So get it off.”
I leaned forward and kissed him softly, closemouthed. He pulled me into him, kissing me rougher, opening my lips. I grabbed a piece of cake from the table next to us, and smooshed it on his head. He broke off our kiss, laughing. He looked me in the eyes, frosting clinging to his eyelashes.
“You are so fucking awesome, Alice.”

Alice Part 5

Friday during school, he turned around in psych to talk to me.
“Do you need a ride to the party?”
“Yeah, she does.” Kate answered for me.
“Uh, yeah that’d be sweet.” That’d be sweet? What was I thinking? And I didn’t need a ride, she lived two streets away. But I guess this was Kate’s plan. The big make-out with Aaron? Maybe. He was a good practice boy, because college was looming and I was going to be the Creepy Virgin on Campus.
“What time?” he raised his eyebrows.
“Uh, nine thirty?” I wondered how Kate would get there now. Her lazy ass was not going to walk, I was sure.
“Okay.” He smiled. “I’m driving Mark too, so I can give you a ride too, Kate.”
“Okay.”
Looked like I was still going to be Creepy Virgin after all.

“Fuck, Fuck, FUCK.”
“This is becoming a motif in our life.” She tossed a shirt at me. “Wear this one.”
“This one? This one is ugly.”
“You’re ugly.”
“Not helping.”
“I wasn’t trying to. It’s nine twenty, hurry the fuck up…” She drawled and swigged from a water bottle of vodka.
“I have no idea how you can do that. Just drink it straight, ugh.” I tugged a shirt over my head, checking myself out in the mirror.
“I’m part Russian.”
“And part alcoholic.”
“Touché.” She took another gulp.
“Pass that shit, yo.”
“Liquid courage, my friend.”
“I need it. Tell me again what I’m supposed to do?”
“Make out with Aaron.”
“Right. How do I do that?”
“Well, I don’t know, move your mouth around and stick your tongue out is usually what I do but…”
“I mean, get him to kiss me, not how do I literally kiss.”
“Oh right. Well I suppose it should be easy enough: get him drunk and then bend over and shove your tits in his face.”
“You are the least helpful friend imaginable.”
“I know, I really don’t know why you put up with me. I heard a honk, let’s get your slutty little butt downstairs.”
“Bye Mom!”
“Bye girls, tell Mrs. Cartwright hello from me.”
“Yeah, bye.”
“Hello, boys.” Kate said as we crammed in the backseat.
“Sup, beezys.” Mark piped up.
“What does that even mean?” I asked
“Uhm, Hi Girls, loosely translated.” Aaron joked.
“The impenetrable language of hip-hop.” Mark shook his head sadly. “No one understands.”
“Good to see you haven’t gotten normal Mark.” Kate raised her eyebrows at me.
“No, I think it’s safe to say he hasn’t” Aaron laughed.
“Stacy planned a cake-fight for later on tonight, we’re all weird.” I pointed out.
“A cake-fight?” Mark looked awed. This was his first party with the burnouts, stoners, freaks and weirdos.
“And you’re goin’ down, suckaaaa.” Kate threw up a gang sign.
“Who on earth taught you that?”
“My cousin from New York.”
“You cousin is from Long Island.”
“Whatever, I’m badass.”
The boys were cracking up at us, and I was glad someone was there to witness our rapport for once. Usually it was just my brother, and he was too busy being thirteen to care. We pulled up to the party then, and it looked like everyone had come out for the first party of the year. We trekked through the woods next to Stacy's house to “The Camp”, her old garage which we had turned into a party room. It was an old farmhouse deal, so there was a loft upstairs, and plenty of space downstairs.
“Hey guys!” Stacy was wearing a voluminous peasant dress, and looked like she was stoned out of her mind.
Kate and I both hugged her, and then she shook Mark’s hand.
“He’s a junior, and he’s totally weird.” Kate offered.
“Nice! Hey another junior is here, some chick named Olive, you know her?” she looked at Mark.
“Yeah,” he muttered, “I do.” He had a weird look on his face, like he wanted to gag. I guess he didn’t like her or something.
“What do you want? Booze or Drugs or both?” Stacy was always a most accommodating hostess.
“Both.” Kate said.
“How ‘bout that beer, Alice?” Aaron pointed to the case of beer sitting on a table. He passed a kid five bucks, and took two, handing me one. I cracked it open, the foam bubbling up through the hole slightly.

1066

1066-Battle of Hastings,
Norman Conquest, Bayeux Tapestry

Dear Alice,
I’m writing this note in history, so maybe you’ll learn something from all the notes I am taking. I’m writing you this to tell you…Fuck, how do I tell you?

Al,
I’m gay. Gay? Do I have to say a Lesbian? I’m new in Gay-ville. I probably know less than you do, because you used to watch a lot of Will and Grace and your cousin goes to Smith. You’re better qualified than me. I am the worst lesbian known to man…err…women. I have not idea what being a lesbian entails, besides liking girls. Is there some sort of manual or roadmap I can get somewhere? Turn left at the Home Depot, and go straight into a pile of flannel shirts? I have no idea where I am or how I got here, but I know that I am gay. Or a lesbian. Jesus fucking Christ.

Importance- Anglo-Norman Language.
What the fuck is Anglo-Norman? PAY MORE ATTENTION!!

Alice, I don’t have a crush on you. I know you got all boobilicious over the summer, and it’s a nice rack, don’t get me wrong, but you’re not my type. I actually have a girlfriend. Sort of. A secret one. I can’t tell you who it is, and before you flip out at me, know that I want to. I want to hold hands with her everywhere, and kiss her in public. But you know I can’t, because what would that mean? I’d be GAY gay. Like publicly gay, and I don’t even know if I’m supposed to call myself gay, or queer or a lesbian. I thought I would be done being confused once I admitted I liked girls, but now, it’s worse. I’m not sexually confused, I’m just label confused.

Domesday Book- get notes from stinky Tim Carter ASAP.

Essentially, Alice, I like girls. Just not you. I mean, obviously I like you, I just don’t like like you, like I like other girls. Get it?
Love,
but not that kind of love,
regular love,
non-gay/lesbian love,
friend love,
Kate

Four

“Hey there, Andy baby.” Kate said as he jumped in the backseat. He adjusted his beanie and nodded at us, with his headphones on.

I pulled out of the parking circle and turned toward the park.

Kate cranked up the stereo, blaring The Violent Femmes. I eased the clutch as I went over the hill into the skatepark, my car making ungodly noises.

“Nice, Alice.” Kate laughed.

“Get your own car, loser.”

“Why? You drive me everywhere, it’s a good deal.”

“Mooch.”

“Chauffeur.”

“Look who it is.” She pointed.

Aaron was skating, and his tight jeans and hoodie looked good. Really good. He ollied a five foot gap, and Kate whistled appreciatively. We parked and got out. Kate and I grabbed our one deck that we shared, and Andrew took his. I handed him a juice box and walked over to the fence to watch the boys. A bunch of the littler kids waved at me, and I pulled a bag of cookies out of my backpack. They all ran over, sticking their hands in to take one each. They were like Pavlov’s skaters. Aaron manueled up to the fence, popping his board up with his foot.

“Hey guys. What’re you up to?”

“That one is my brother, we come here with him to bring him snacks and attempt to skate.” I gestured at Kate, who was rolling slowly on the mini-ramp.

“Nice.” He laughed appreciatively.

“Want a cookie and a juiced box?” I offered to him.

He shoved a cookie in his mouth, and mumbled “Thank You” spewing crumbs.

“I saw that gap you did, nice.”

“Thanks.”

“Five bucks if you can kickflip it.” I challenged.

“Done.”

He went back over, hopping on his board, picking up speed. He started his line, and went to pop over the ledge. He bailed midair, and fell to the ground. I laughed.

“Uhh, how bout I just buy you beer at the party?” he said sheepishly, sticking his hands in his pockets. I lit up a cigarette, smirking. This felt good.

“Let me see you skate.” He challenged me back.

“Oh jeez.” I rolled my eyes. I grabbed the deck from Kate, and hopped on, my cigarette pressed in my lips. I pushed off, and headed for a ramp. I just went up and back down, but at least I stayed on. He clapped, sarcastically, a crooked grin on his face. A little kid ran up to me and asked for another cookie.

“Yeah sure, Colin.” I skated back over to the fence and handed him one.

Kate wandered over too, and helped herself to a cookie.

“Let’s roll a j at your house?” she asked

“Sounds good, then I need to do some homework.”

“Yeah, right. Hey, Aaron, want to come?” I shot her a look.

“Come where?” he was praticing some sort of complicated flip thing.

“To Al’s house for milk and cookies and a joint. Or maybe a blunt.”

“Sure.”

“Follow us there.”

I turned into my driveway, shutting off the ignition. I did a terrible job parking and shrugged at Kate. I got out and leaned against the door, watching Aaron park.

“He is so cute.” Kate pointed out.

“I know. What is a cute boy doing at my house?”

“You know, I have no idea.”

I let us in the house, which was empty. My mom was still at work, thankfully. My house was clean, and it smelled like laundry. I was sort of embarrassed by it though; there were little figurines and dorky stuff everywhere. We went into the basement, grabbing a bag of chips and some soda first.

My basement smells like a combo of spilled food and pot smoke, which is why my mother never goes down there. She is blissfully unaware of my substance use, because she is rarely home. She’s a single mom, a lawyer, who is married to her job. I spend most of my time looking after Andy, because she can’t, really. I even cook him dinner and stuff. Anyway, I didn’t know what to do with a boy in my basement, so I concentrated on rolling a killer blunt.

“So what did you do this summer besides grow five inches?” Kate asked him.

“I taught swim lessons, actually.”

“Like a lifeguard?” I blew a cloud of smoke into the air.

“Kind of.” He took the blunt as I passed it to him. “I just paddled around with little kids for ten bucks an hour.”

“Nice.” Kate nodded.

“So you guys did what all summer?”

“This.” We both answered in unison.

“Aha. No jobs?”

“Al here gets paid to watch her brother, and my parents give me money because they don’t love me.”

“You two are crazy.”

“That’s the word on the street.” Kate was in her element now, high and talking shit.

“It really is.” I added.

“Nah, no one thinks that. Except me.”

“Please, everyone thinks that. We’re not cool enough to be party girls, so we’re just…. Girls who offend people like Caitlin Connors and Ms McDonald, and smoke a lot of weed.” She laughed.

“This is true. But you guys are funny, I think.”

“That is also true.” Kate was still chuckling to herself.

“I’m just a guy, though. I’m not even as noticeable as you two are.”

“You will be.” I muttered. I knew it was only a matter of time before he became sexy skater boy to our whole grade.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“She means you got… different this summer.”

“How so?”

“Uh, better at skating?” she offered.

“I guess.” He looked confused.

We sat around for a while longer, watching TV and talking bullshit about people in our grade. Aaron offered to give Kate a ride home, so I went upstairs to do homework.

“I quit.” I said out loud to myself. I had done about five math problems and my brain was hurting. Then I remember Hot Teacher Guy, and pushed myself to at least finish half of the problems. The sad thing was, I was pretty good at math, I just never paid enough attention to know what was going on.

“There. Good enough” All done, almost.

“Alice? Who are you talking to?” my mother called.

“No one. Uh, Myself. Uh, no one.” I answered.

“Oh I thought Kate was here.”

“Nope. How was work?”

She launched into a long description of a case she was doing. She was, ironically, a divorce lawyer. She had represented herself in my parent’s divorce almost five years ago. I heard she was the best divorce lawyer in town, whatever that means.

“Thanks for the leftovers, Alice.” She went back downstairs to eat cold chicken parmesan I had made earlier. As far as I knew, Andrew was doing his homework, but who knew. He had started bugging me to let him smoke pot, and I was relentless in saying no. I no longer trusted Kate with him, because she would probably think it was funny. She thought giving her dog beer was funny too, but then, she was kind of a sick fuck.

I realized that I smoked a lot of weed somewhere around august, but Kate and I had nothing better to do. It was beginning to be an expensive habit though. Plus some of the kids in our grade had starting doing other drugs, acid, shrooms, and I didn’t want to get caught up in that. Maybe I did. Whatever.

Kate lived 8 houses down from me, and proximity was the man reason for our natal friendship. We played kick the can as kids. We lived in a pre-fab neighborhood with tons of other kids around. There was Mark Cohen-Barnes, who I thought was rad. He was this Jewish hp-hop kid. Then there was Olive Moore, who was also cool, in a misanthropic, outcast kind of way. Stacy Cartwright lived there too, which would make the party easy to go to. And sexy Jonas lived nearby. He was this artsy boy who I had a terminal crush on, which was now eclipsed by Mr. Cooper. I was boy crazy, from a creep distance. Who likes their math teacher?

The next few days of school were weird, because of Aaron. He was super friendly to me, but I was awkward. Now that we had hung out, what was I supposed to do?

Friday during school, he turned around in psych to talk to me.

“Do you need a ride to the party?”

“Yeah, she does.” Kate answered for me.

“Uh, yeah that’d be sweet.” That’d be sweet? What was I thinking? And I didn’t need a ride, she lived two streets away. But I guess this was Kate’s plan. The big make-out with Aaron? Maybe. He was a good practice boy, because college was looming and I was going to be the Creepy Virgin on Campus.

Three

I had math first period, a most cruel fate. I walked into Mr. Cooper’s class, and scoured the room for a seat near the back. The only one was next to Tom Adams, who smelled horrible. I sighed and sat down anyways. I leaned my head back over the headrest, yawning. My shirt crept up over my waistband and I tugged it down impatiently. I didn’t want to have Tom Adams as my practice buddy. Why was I even thinking about Kate’s stupid idea? Tue, my last make-out session was at summer camp and there were braces involved, but I could aim a little higher. Maybe.

I was in medium level math, filled with average kids who weren’t really smart enough to be in the honors classes. We had a mix of popular kids and the non-event type of people who didn’t really matter. Kate and I were ultimate non-people. She was content with that, and was too, most days. Like today. I was happy to just blend back here, in the cloud of Tom’s stink.

Mr. Cooper was a new teacher, and I had no idea what to expect. When he walked in, my breath caught in my chest. He was hot. He was probably in his late twenties, with curly brown hair and those cute plastic frame glasses. He was like the college guys I daydreamed about, intellectual and kind of geeky in a totally sexy way. I texted Kate the words “HOT TEACHER ALERT” and she texted back “?". I‘d have to fill her in over lunch.

“So how hot? Like teacher hot, or dude hot?” Kate was taking a bite of her sandwich, smearing mustard on her face.

“Man hot.”

“Nice. Maybe I’ll switch in. I have some evil old troll.”

“I think Ms.Lane is nice.”

“You would.”

“What does that even mean?”

“Dunno.” She chewed thoughtfully.

“Want to leave after this and smoke a cigarette?”

“Yeah, sure.”

We walked out to my car, which seemed like miles.

“This is really going to suck if it rains, you know.”

“You are so helpful, Kate.”

“Oh so Caitlin is in one of my classes, history. Great, right?”

“What’d she say today?”

“That it was good to see that I had lost some weight over the summer. Loudly, in front of everyone, in front of the whole class.”

“Did you lose weight?” we walked behind my car, sitting on the pavement, to hide from the monitors that patrolled to make sure we didn’t do anything like this.

“When have I ever weighed myself?”

“I don’t know, plus your clothes are so baggy who can even tell with you.”

“My doctor actually told me I’m perfect. 5’7 and one hundred and thirty five pounds.”

“That sounds about right.” I lit my cigarette.

“You probably gained some, with all that boobage.”

“I’m still the tallest girl ever.”

“I think there’s like a seven foot woman in the Netherlands somewhere. You’re only 5’11.”

“Fine, in our grade.”

“No, there’s that basketball girl. You’re mediocre even in height.”

“Do you have a joint?” I stubbed my cigarette out.

“Duh.”

She lit it up, and we passed it back and forth. I breathed in the weed, feeling my vision get that weird, high depth perception. Psychology was going to be just wonderful after this. The bell rang and we stood up, brushing our butts off. Kate pulled her hoodie up over her hair, trying to hide her glazed eyes.

“Hey, girls, why do I suspect a little controlled substance abuse?”

“Hello, Trevor.” Kate rolled her eyes. He was a burnout bro who always pestered her for a date. He had that sort of hair color that’s between blonde and brown, and had acne scars. He hitched up his scummy looking baggy jeans, and walked by us, laughing.

“Gross.” Kate wrinkled her nose.

“What about aiming low?” I asked

“That’s a little low, even for us.”

“Thank God. You have psych now too, right?”

“Yep. As f I don’t get enough psychobabble at my parentally mandated therapy each week.”

“Let’s scope for desperate boys without major hygiene issues for us during class. It’s a lecture; there’s gotta be one out of fifty who will do one of us.”

“Don’t bet on it.”

We nabbed seats together, luckily, as the class was full. Kate was braiding strands of her long blondish hair, her feet resting on the chair in front of her.

“Can I sit here?” we both looked up.

“Sure Aaron”, she plopped her feet down onto the floor with a smacking noise.

I wrote “Got cuter” on my notebook and showed her over the aisle. He was skinny with longish brown hair and decent clothes. He was kind of a non-event, but he grew over the summer, stretching him into the type of lanky boy I like best.

“Fuck buddy?” she wrote back.

“We’ll see.” I mouthed.

“So Alice how was your summer?” he turned around in his seat to look at me.

I normally hated that question, but it sounded cute coming from him.

“Good, we just fucked around, the usual.”

“Same here.” I tried to think of something to say that wasn’t totally horrible, but by the time I had phrased something n my head, he already turned back forward.

“Nice.” Kate mouthed. I threw a pencil at her.

“Hey, Kate, Alice.” Stacy Cartwright leaned over the aisle towards us. She was a cool girl, I thought, not popular, but artsy, with big fat dreads and a nose ring.

“You guys want to come to a party this Friday at my house?”

“Yeah, sure.” Kate answered for both of us.

“How bout you Aaron?” he turned around again and smiled.

“Yeah, sounds good.”

I knew the type of party it would be. All the weird kids from our grade had started hanging out together last year, creating our own little subversive parties without any of the cool kids from school. All the people who were ignored in class were welcome, pretty much. But not Tim Adams-people. I think they had their own parties. Maybe.

“That wasn’t horrible.” I remarked.

“Not entirely. We have a party to go to on Friday, and the perfect practice boy.”

“What?”

“Aaron. He was checking out them boobies and he’s taller than you.”

“Whatever. We have to go pick up Andrew at the junior high and bring him to the skatepark.”

“You sound like a mom.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

Two

I pulled into the senior parking lot slowly, lifting my foot off the clutch too soon, causing my car to stall.

“Jesus, careful.” Jane exclaimed.

“Just a minute,” I grumbled. People honked behind me. My parents had given me an ancient sedan, and it was standard. I had been practicing, but smoking a cigarette while shifting happens to be really difficult. I pulled into my assigned spot, which, of course, was one of the farthest from the school.

“This spot sucks.”

“Shut up, Kate.” I ashed my cigarette out the window and yawned.

“Why aren’t you getting out?” she asked.

“I don’t know why aren’t you?”

“I was waiting for you.”

“Well, what if I was waiting for you? Whatever. Anyway, I’m savoring out last moments before school starts. Take ‘em in, Kate.”

“I’m taking, I’m taking, but it smells like shit in here.”

“I’ve been meaning to take out my brothers cross country stuff.”

“I suggest you do.” I flicked my cigarette out the window and unbuckled the seatbelt.

“You know what I was thinking?” Kate asked as we walked across the large lot.

“Haven’t a clue.”

“You need a practice fuck.”

“A what?”

“Some loser who you can practice with and then move on to like, HIM.” She sounded pleased with herself.

“That is retarded.”

“No, we’ll just find someone desperate.”

“Gee, thanks.” I pulled the double doors open for us.

“I’m just saying. Aim low first. This is to boost confidence and skills, not crush your cripplingly low self esteem even more than the rest of our adolescence already has. “I think you had one too many hits this morning.”

“No such thing.”

“Dumbass.”

We settled into our homeroom seats, the last available ones, right at the front. Kate put her head on her desk immediately, and I pulled out a notebook and started doodling, avoiding eye contact with people, so no one asked how my summer was. Caitlin Connors, Kate arch-nemesis leaned over and mock whispered to us.

“You two smell like an ash tray.”

“You smell like my dog when it gets back from the groomers, Caitlin,” Kate said without looking up, “Golden retriever fresh?”

“You are such a bitch.” She rolled her eyes at her friends, who giggled.

“You really are, you know.” I said.

“I know,” Kate responded, picking her head up slightly, “I really am.”

Caitlin wasn’t popular or anything, she was just really self-righteous and had really shiny hair. She and Kate were friends in elementary school, but once Caitlin started campaigning for Just Say No, and Kate started just saying yes, they parted ways. Now, Caitlin tried to embarrass her wherever and whenever possible.

After roll call, we got handed our schedules and compared classes.

“Ugh Mrs. McDonald for English again.” Kate groaned

“Didn’t she call you a waste of oxygen last year?”

“I’m pretty sure it was affectionate.”

“Right. See you at lunch, I guess.”

“Yeah, whatever. Bye.” She ambled away

Alice Attempts Boys

“Fuck, fuck, fuck” I pulled my shirt over my head, and threw it on the floor.

“Alice, relax, it’s just a shirt.” Kate inhaled deeply from the bong resting on her thighs, “Stop attempting to make your mid-drift baring band tee look artful and non-intentional.”

I put on a plain white one that clung, I thought, quite nicely to my chest.

“Easy for you to be relaxed,” I rolled my eyes, “one more hit and you’re going to float into homeroom. Not like it matters, anyway, I could wear any t-shirt and still be a fucking freak.” She exhaled, blowing out a cloud of smoke, and coughing.

“But, Al,” she complained, “the first day of school is an exception.”

“To what rule?”

“The no smoking before ten a.m rule.”

“You break that one a lot, Kate.”

“I never was one for rules.”

“I just want to look….fuckable. I grew these boobs this summer for a reason.”

“Trust me, if I could get you laid, I would. You’re a pain in the ass when you’re horny.”

“Here’s some Visine,” I threw the bottle at her,”why don’t you go drink it or something.”

“Shut up, and go with the Black Flag shirt. Always go with Black Flag.”

“That’s not tight enough, I want to…”

“Get laid?”

“I want to get laid because a boy likes me though. Not because of my midriff.”

“Then why the montage of tummy this morning?” She put some drops in her eyes.

“So I can distract him long enough to realize how awesome I am. Or I could drug him.”

“Dude, I don’t think date rape works on guys, but I’m a feminist, give it a try.”

“Shit. Time to go fall into the abyss of homeroom.”

“Funny, I thought we were already in it.”

“Where? Homeroom? Was that shit laced or something?”

“The abyss, dumbass. Nevermind.” She chuckled.