Chapter Twenty Five

“So now we wait?” I asked
“No, now we start work on the November issue.” Leo laughed. We had decided to make the magazine bi-monthly, to cut down on costs.
“Right.” I leaned back into Leo’s couch.
“I think we did good, but we’ll have to just keep checking the blogs and our site to make sure.”
“At least the party was great.”
“True. Your speech was awesome.” I groaned, shaking my head.
“I can’t believe you made me talk in front of people. I’m a backstage kinda gal.”
“Well now you’re the CEO or whatever of our magazine. The money girl, I guess.”
“ah yes, CEO of Lucky Bitch Inc.”
“Hey I thought of something yesterday. You’re technically in publishing now.” She burst out laughing.
“Oh my god, you’re right.”
“I bet your momma is proud.”
“Oh shut up. I have to go though, keep me posted on people’s feedback. I’m writing an article about old indie favorite bands that are releasing albums on major labels for the first time. I’ll send you a draft.”
“Nice, see you later, baby Jane.”
“Hey, that’s no way to speak to your technical boss.” She threw a crumpled paper at me as I walked out the door.
I walked home, enjoying the crisp fall air. I felt light and content, and I stopped walking for a moment.
“So this is what happy feels like,” I mused.
A homeless man taking bottles out of the garbage smiled a toothy grin at me. I smiled back. He then began to urinate on the sidewalk.

“Hey baby, I’m home.”
“Just in time for dinner, I’ve been slaving away.” Andrew gestured at the Chinese takeout on the coffee table.
“We are so modern. The man cooks for the lady…kind of.”
“Come eat, I’m hungry.”
Colin wandered out of the bathroom, and made a bee-line for the food.
“Oh here’s our son.” Andrew laughed.
“What?” Colin said thickly through some lo mein
“Nothing, nothing, just stuff you face, as usual.” I giggled.
“Have you asked her yet?” He looked at Andrew, swallowing.
“No.”
“Asked me what?”
“We’re going on tour in Europe and I want, we want, you to come with us.”
“We need a laundry wench.” Colin added.
“Andrew! I can’t. I have the magazine.”
“I know, but its Europe. How great would it be to see Europe together?”
“I have a full time job, you know that.”
“Well, Leo and Yuki can handle it., right?”
“No, Andrew, this is what I do now. I can’t just follow you everywhere, I have a life.” I was frustrated.
“C’mon.” He smiled, doing puppy dog eyes.
“I can’t believe you think I would just leave the magazine to tag along on your tour. I’m serious about this, you know that.”
“I know, but it’s only two months.”
“Enough time for my magazine to fail.”
“Fine, whatever.”
“Not whatever! I’m finally serious about something, and you still expect me to be your loyal backup with no other plans. I’m doing this for myself, not for you.”
“But I need you too.”
“You just don’t get it, do you?” I got up and stormed out, slamming the door behind me. why did no one take me seriously?
I thought about it as I walked down the street. True, I didn’t have the greatest track record. I made my parents buy me a horse, and then I quit riding. I quit ballet when my feet started to hurt. I quit college when I panicked. But I was taking this seriously now, right?
“Oh my god. I’m a quitter.”
No wonder my parents made the ultimatum of a year. They figured I would get bored just like every other time. I turned around and headed back to the house. I had some apologizing to do.
“Jane I am so sorry.”
“No it’s me, I quit everything, I don’t blame you for thinking I would go. I always pick what seems fun at the time over what I have to do. But I’m serious about this, I want it to be my career.”
“And starting a magazine at twenty is impressive, Jane, you know that, right?” Colin cut in.
I helped myself to a Peking ravioli, and sat down.
“I want to prove this to myself, babe.” I said to Andrew.
“And I want you to succeed, I’m sorry for being selfish.”
“But I’ll be here when you get back.”
“Good. But I figured you would be.”
“You have a big head.”
“I tell him that every day.” Colin said to me, nodding knowingly.
“And all it does is make me want to hit you.” Andrew laughed.
“What will I do with you when you’re actually famous?” I shook my head, pretending to be worried.
“We’re a power couple, whatever.”
“I can’t believe you just called us that. You’re such a cocky bastard.”
“Agreed!” Colin spit crumbs everywhere.
“And you are filthy. Maybe I should go, just to clean up after you guys.”
“Thanks Mom!”

I trekked out to Long Island a few days later to see Viv in the hospital. I was nervous to see how she was doing. After getting buzzed into the rehab ward, I was told there was only an hour of visiting hours left. Since I was uncomfortable, I was a little relieved. I felt guilty, but it was awkward.
“Hey!” Viv shouted at me, from across the room. She was playing checkers with an old man in a robe.
She ran over, wearing pajamas and those non-slip hospital socks. Her hair was in a side ponytail, with the shaved part of her head on the side. It kind of looked cool.
“Nice hair.”
“I’m going to shave a design in there, and look like a hipster.”
“You nut. How are you?” I was holding her hands. She looked radiant, her skin back to it’s creamy olive, no circles under her eyes.
“I feel amazing. Waking up without a hangover is awesome! And the food here, they let you check off as many things as you want, and they just deliver it to your room. It’s like room service, except with gross hospital food.” I laughed.
“I’m so glad you’re doing well. When are you out?”
“The end of the week. Then I do outpatient.”
“Good for you. When can you work for me?” I laughed.
“I think the end of the month. I want to start doing things, so I don’t get bored.”
“I’ll be watching you, no relapses.”
“Hey, come look at this!”
She dragged me to the art therapy room, where a series of self portraits of her hung on the walls. The art therapist shook my hand.
“You’ve got a really talented friend, Jane.” He smiled.
“I’m working on a series of self portraits, to kind of figure out how I see myself. how I saw myself, what I want to see myself as, you know.”
“They’re awesome.” I walked around the room, looking at the charcoal drawings. Some were horribly sad, her figure looking distorted and broken, her face melancholy.
“Viv, I’m still sorry I didn’t help you.”
“No one could have helped me, babe. I need to fix myself. I’m on an anti-depressant now. Prozac nation or whatever.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“If it keeps me from fucking up, I’m for it.”
“I had no idea you felt like this.” I gestured to a sad-looking portrait.
“Me either, actually. I was distracting myself with the drugs and booze.”
“I was ignoring everything with self pity.” I laughed.
“OK, it’s time to go.” One of the counselors said gently to me.
“Oh no.” Viv pouted.
I hugged her tightly, not wanting to let her go.
“Thanks for visiting, Jane. It means a lot. Have you talked to Marie?”
“No.”
“It’s ok, we don’t need her. We have each other.”
“Call me when you’re out, I’ll come out for dinner or something.”
“Ok. I love you!”
“I love you too!”