Olive Five

You told me today that you wouldn’t tell on any of us. Thanks for that, Ms. Bloch. Anyway, people talked to me today. Mimi said hi to me in the hall, and Mike nodded at me. I didn’t respond to either of them, I was just kind of confused, you know? One beer and I exist?
Do you think this is helping my writing? I feel like I just say all the wrong things. You never told me what I was supposed to be writing about, so I just write this stuff all over the page.
Anyway, Jonas walked me to English today, did you see him? He held my hand, which was weird, because we never talked about anything like that. But I guess he figures I’m so desperate, I don’t care. I do though. I don’t like him, but what was I supposed to do? Grab my hand away. He wants me to come over after school and I said yes.
But back to my field guide. I have more favorite people to tell you about. These girls in my psychology class, Alice and Kate, are my heroes. They’re a year older than me, seniors, and I want to be just like them. They are always sharing some private joke. Alice is tall, really tall, and kind of skinny. She has long messy brown hair and nice freckles. She is really sarcastic too, sometimes I can hear her and Kate making jokes. Kate is shorter, with this long messy hair. Really messy. It’s not dreadlocks or anything, but it’s kind of close. She has these big lips and a nose ring. She always sleeps in class. They don’t care about anything. I used to watch them smoke cigarettes on the corner from my Math classroom window last year. They’re like the queens of people like me and Mark. They don’t care about anything, they just make fun of the people who try to tease them. And they’re kind of mean when they do, but the people always deserve it. Kate gave Mike Healy a wedgie on the bus a few years ago. Anyway, their friend, Stacy Cartwright is having a party tonight, and Jonas invited me to go with him. Well, he told me I was going with him.
This party was different from the last one. This was all upper-classmen, seniors mostly, and they were all the weird kids. It’s in these woods by my house, and I like being outside. I’m sitting behind the shed thing now, writing this here. I never thought I’d like my journal so much, Ms. Bloch. Stacy ended up being this short, plump hippie girl, and she said she knew Jonas from art class. Jonas bought me a beer, and then I saw Mark come up the path with Alice, Kate, and some boy. How did he know Alice and Kate? What right did he have to make cool friends, right? He was like me. He wasn’t supposed to have any friends. But I guess I had Jonas now. But I wish I had Mark and Alice and Kate as friends. Someone is coming.
Mark was coming, Ms. Bloch. I’m home now, writing this in my bed. I’m not drunk or anything, I didn’t drink. Mark walked around the corner, he wasn;t even looking for me. He seemed surprised to find me there.
“Hey.”
“Hi.”
“You came with Jonas?”
“You came with Alice and Kate?”
“Not with with them. Just in the same car.”
“Oh.”
“So you’re dating him.”
“I think so.”
“What do you mean?”
“He never asked me, and I never said yes.”
“Do you like him?”
“No.” And I didn’t.
“So tell him.”
“Oh.”
“Olive, you never tell people anything. You have to tell him you’re not his girlfriend. Don’t pretend to be just because you don’t want to say no. you never say no.”
“I do too.”
“Can I borrow you science notes?”
“Yes.”
“Olive!”
“Sorry.”
“Just say no to something.”
“Like what?”
“Can I kiss you?”
“yes.”
“You’re supposed to say no.”
“No.”
“No what?”
“No I won’t say no.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know.”
“Olive!”
“Fine. Fine. Because I want you to kiss me.”
“Finally.” He pulled my face to his, and his kissing was nice. I didn’t want to check the time once.
I’m not acting it out with Astor and our dolls. It’s too private.
But I’m going to have to make a Mark doll to hold hands with my doll now.