Epilogue

So that’s it. A year of my life, written down and in print. The magazine is doing well, in our target demographic, which is probably not a very large sector of the population. We did have to up our circulation, thanks to some key press, and the website has been our selling point. We’re looking into being bought by a larger publishing company, as long as we get to keep it true to ourselves. Viv is helping now, strengthened by good therapy and some prescribed pharmaceuticals, for once. Her photography has upped the standard of Lucky Bitch immensely, and she’s delving more into self-portraits for some self discovery. She did, in fact, shave a pattern into her bald spot. As for me, I spend a lot of time alone. There’s a lot of empty space without Andrew in our apartment. After a short nervous spell, I began to enjoy the solitude. Viv spends the night if I get lonely, but I’m relishing the time to myself. When he gets back from Europe in two weeks, I’m getting a studio.
I once got a drunken message from Marie at 3 a.m on a Wednesday, profanities screamed unintelligibly. To the best of my knowledge, she still goes to Wellesley. I haven’t seen her, and I doubt I will. I sometimes wonder about her, wonder if she found two new replacements to manipulate. She was like a weed, choking out our growth to her benefit. She left us damaged, bruised, and it takes a lot for me to trust now. I look back and see the collateral damage we caused; broken boys, torn friendships, literal wounds. I feel like there was so much I should have seen coming, that I could have prevented. I now take accountability for my actions, but I know it’s a little too late. But I have gained so much this year, too. I have gained a career I am proud of, the trust of my parents, new friends, and a wonderful boy I love. I have bad days, where I still wonder if I can do it, if I’m good enough. But I now have the support around me to reassure me that I can. The past year made me reexamine all parts of myself, turning who I was inside out into who I am. Ultimately what I’ve gained is a steak in my future. I am no longer floating apathetically. I messed up in the past; I’m willing to admit that fully. But now I have chosen my present.